Douches Behind The Wheel

Today's topic is: Tips for Drivers or, How to Not be a Road Douche.

Yes, I know, I have ranted and raved about bad drivers a million times before. Today, however, we are going to do something different. Instead of just complaining about bad drivers, I am actually going to teach them how to become good drivers. So pay close attention. As Dave Barry says, "the one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we all believe we are above average drivers." But that does not mean that we all actually are above average drivers. In fact, the very meaning of the word "average" would preclude that possibility. As in everything else, most people are average, with some below and some above. I, of course, am one of the ones above, which is what makes me qualified to deliver this very important public service announcement.

#1: First off, let's talk about the Speeder. I know, everyone loves to speed. I love to speed! Most speed limits are far too low, and it's fun to go fast, okay, we all get it. However, there is a fine line between merely going a little fast and being a road douche. Going a little fast means you are going ten to fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit, but still doing it safely. You're not weaving in and out of traffic, trying to pass every car in sight. You're not tailgating people. You're still using your turn signal. You slow down when appropriate. In other words, you're being a courteous driver who happens to be going a little fast. Fine. If you're a road douche, on the other hand, you're just being a jackass. You're swerving in and out of traffic, across multiple lanes, never using a turn signal. You're tailgating any car that you can't pass, sometimes honking at or flipping off the other driver for not accommodating your doucheishness. You speed even in bad weather, turning yourself into an accident just waiting to happen. Stop being such a jackass when you speed. Slow down a bit, stop tailgating people, and quit speeding in the rain. If speeding is that important to you, stop driving on the road and go join NASCAR. Then nobody will care if you cause an accident. In fact, it would probably make a lot of people happy. Especially if you die in a giant gasoline-fueled fireball.

#2: Of course, the other side of this coin is the Slow Driver. I mean, come on. No one drives exactly at the speed limit unless there is a cop in the immediate vicinity, you are in a school zone, or you're an ancient person who is half blind and probably shouldn't be driving anyway. Please, stop driving so slowly. It pisses everyone off. Especially on one lane roads where no one can pass you. You're lucky you haven't been shot yet. Come on, granny, hit the gas pedal. It's not that hard.

#3: Next, I want to address the issue of Red Light Runners. Unlike with a little bit of speeding, there is no excuse for this. You can see the light, you can see that it has changed color. Everyone, even 3 year old children, know that "RED" means "STOP." I'm sure you played "Red Light, Green Light" as a child, so you had that knowledge drummed into your head then. Why have you forgotten it in the intervening years? It's not that hard. When other people have a green light and want to drive but can't because you are blocking the intersection, it makes them angry, and it makes you a very big road douche. I fully support the red light cameras that have been installed all over the city. I just wish there were more of them. Or, even better, red light tire spikes that would pop out of the ground as soon as the light changed. That way, anyone who was running the light would have their car ruined. I bet after that was reported in the news a few times, people would get the message. STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS! If you don't want to obey traffic signals, move to some Third World country where there are no traffic signals. And then maybe you will catch malaria and die, and that will solve everyone's problems.

#4: Next, we will discuss the epitome of road doucheishness: The Loud Crappy Music Playing Douche. Yes, we know, you love your music. You think it's the best music ever, that the person who created it is a genius that should have a national holiday named after them, that you plan to name your first born child after them and dance to this music at the ghetto wedding you one day might have. That's all fine and well and good. We all have music we love. However, most of us do not inflict that music in a painful way on other people. The road douche, however, doesn't care. By the FSM, you are going to jam, and it doesn't matter if nobody else wants to jam. It's not your fault they are driving so close to you! Or that your speakers have enough bass output to knock the Earth off its orbit. You just want to listen to your music, dammit! Because it is so damn cool! But guess what! Nobody wants to listen to your music, whether it is hardcore gansta rap or Kenny Rogers ballads. If they wanted to listen to it, they would have already bought the CD. Turn down your damn stereo. If you must listen to music so loud that it makes your ears bleed, at least do everyone else a favor and do it through a pair of headphones. That way, the only one to suffer hearing loss will be you. Also, no one likes your sub woofer. Get rid of it.

5: Get off your damn cell phone and drive. I don't care if you have a Bluetooth. You still can't concentrate on the road if you are on the damn phone. Whatever the hell you are talking about is not that important, believe me.

6: If you are in a lane that has a sign that says "Lane End in X Feet," please move over immediately. There is no reason to wait until the very last minute and then force your way into the other lane. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. On the other hand, if you are in a lane that another lane has to merge into, let cars merge. There is no reason to be a dick and block people. They can't help the fact that the lane is disappearing.

7: Always use your damn turn signal when you want to turn or change lanes. And remember to turn it off after you are done! No one wants to watch your turn signal blink blink blink blink forever.

8: When you are parking, don't try to squeeze into a spot that is too small for your car. There are probably plenty of spaces, even if some of them are a little further away. Oh well. You could probably use the exercise. Also, don't park in two spots. I know, you do that because you don't want someone to park next to you and scratch your car on accident. But you know what? Parking like that only encourages pissed off people to key your car. Also, when you are parking, if there are people behind you, don't pull forward and then attempt to back into the space. Yes, I know, it makes it easier for you to get out when you leave. But everyone who has to wait while you very slowly back into the spot is planning on beating you to death as soon as you get out of your car.

There are lots more tips I could offer, I'm sure, but this is already getting long enough, so I am going to close with the most relevant piece of advice. Basically, don't be a road douche. You are not the only driver out there. The definition of the road douche is someone who doesn't care about anyone else on the road. Don't do that. Please. Pay attention, drive safely, and turn down your goddamn music. Otherwise, I am going to have to shoot you with the roof-mounted rocket launchers on my grannymobile.

Happy Stupid Day!

So, was yesterday today National Stupid Day, and nobody bothered to tell me? Because that's what it seems like. I encountered scores of idiots yesterday. I swear, one of these days, the massive amount of stupidity that I have to deal with is going to drive me insane, and I am either going to have an aneurysm, or I am going to start killing people with a machete. I know which one I think would be more fun.

Seriously, though, people just love to drive me crazy. As always, my elevator-ific seat at work was a constant source of joy. This really really really (did I say really) annoying woman, who ALWAYS wants to talk to me, though I have made it clear many times that I am not the talkative type, decided that this time, since I had headphones on and obviously couldn't hear her (it apparently never occurs to people that I can hear them just fine, I just like to use the headphones as an excuse to ignore them), she would pound on my desk until I was forced to look at her. That's right! She pounded on my desk with her fist until I turned to look at her. And then said "Hi!" with a nice cheery smile, and walked away. I would have loved to follow her and strangle her with my headphone cord but, unfortunately, killing stupid people is still illegal in most states.

Then, I had this wonderful, enlightening experience. I had sent a file back to one of the other workers at my office, with a note asking her to correct a mistake she had made. The mistake was on parts 6, 7, and 8 so, on my note, I put to correct #6-#8. Now, as a normal human being (if, indeed, you are a normal human being) what does that mean to you? It means #6 through #8, yes? Not #6 and #8. But #6 and #8 is exactly what she fixed, totally ignoring #7. I am amazed that she is actually able to walk erect.

Then, of course, there were other, incidental annoyances. The supervisor from another department who asked me to do something for her while I was on my lunch break, and when I refused (pointing to the giant pink sign hanging from my monitor that says "BREAK"), gave me a look like a dead fish, all bulging eyes and O mouth. Or the mere sight of the anorexic woman. She looks like a starving 10 year old boy--no boobs, no butt, nothing but bones, a concave stomach, and weird spiky hair. (Personally, I think she should come as an Ethiopian for Halloween--all she would need is some flies to buzz around her eyes, and maybe one of those tall sticks.)

But, by far, the worst example of stupidity that I saw all day was driving home (big surprise, isn't it?) First, it took me a good 10 minutes to get on the freeway, because right past the on-ramp, a garbage truck had gotten into an accident with a pickup truck, and they were blocking off one of the lanes. Yes, you read that right. A big, blue, stinky, garbage truck. What the hell it was doing on the freeway at all is beyong me. I really think that large vehicle like that should be confined to regular streets, because when I'm blowing down the freeway at 75 mph, the last thing I want is to get stuck behind a slow, hulking thing like that. And then, once I managed to get off the freeway (without colliding with a garbage truck) I had this experience. Twice, within half a mile of each other. Both times, someone was trying to make a left-hand turn across traffic. They thought they had an opening, so they pulled out into the next lane, but then they realized that they didn't have time to make it. So then they just sat there, blocking the lane, forcing traffic to slow or swerve. Twice!!

And people wonder why I want a rocket launcher on my car!

Driver's Ed Apparently Didn't Work

Pop quiz! Imagine the following scenario: You are in your car, on a small side road that meets a large main street on the diagonal. Right next to you, on both sides of the road, is a big red and white sign that says "YIELD." On the large street, in the lane that you will drive into when you hit the gas pedal, there is a car going around 50 mph. What do you do next? A) Stay where you are until the car has passed, like the yield sign says, and take the opportunity to pull out your cell phone and start texting? B) Pull into the street, but go wide so that you are not in the same lane as the moving car? Or C) Pull out, into the lane in front of the moving car, and then immediately hit your brake so that you can make a right hand turn, almost causing the car behind you (the one going 50 mph) to ram into you?

If you picked A or B, congratulations, you may be a decent driver. If you picked C, I'm sorry, but you are going to die as soon as I get my hands on an automatic rifle. I absolutely hate people who cannot drive. Every day, when I am on the road, I see some great display of stupidity that makes me fantasize about having a rocket launcher mounted on top of my car, so that I can blow these people up and spare the world from having to deal with them. And at my job, I see people's traffic tickets all the time; tickets for having 6 kids in the back of a sedan, all with no seat belt; for driving the wrong way on the freeway; for being so drunk that they crash into a parked car...twice! I actually see this stuff. And these people are actually allowed to walk around free, to use our precious natural resources, to reproduce? I am so killing them all when I take over the world.

In the meantime, here are some more indications that you deserve to die. Do you:

• Change lanes without using your turn signal?
• Speed in a dangerous manner, tailgating the people you can't pass until they are just so desperate to get away from you that they change lanes or swerve onto the shoulder?
• Run red lights/stop signs/yield signs?
• Listen to really loud, bad music, the kind that makes other people's hearts feel like they are going to explode in their chests?
• Talk/text on your cell phone and not pay attention to driving?
• Drive reeeeeeeeeally slow in the fast lane, making the other drivers insane with frustration, especially if they are unable to pass you?
• Drive a semi truck?
• Have one of those bumper stickers that says something like "Jesus loves me" and then drive like a total dick? If Jesus had ever driven, I'm sure he would have been a perfect driver, so if you want to live as a christian, you really should do better.
• Weave your motorcycle between the cars on the road, as if you were invisibile, or invulnerable? That's one reason everybody hates motorcyclists, because they mostly drive like dicks. When I see one doing that, I am always tempted to open my car door, or just swerve a little and hit him.
• Pass people on the shoulder of the freeway if there is no other way to get around them and they are not driving fast enough for you?

I'm sure more examples of bad drivers that should die will occur to me later, when I am driving home, getting cut off by scooters going 80 mph and being tailgated by giant semis that could just roll right over me if I hit the brakes. I just love driving!