Ah, work. We spend most of our waking hours there, slaving away for the security of a paycheck. And many of us, undoubtedly, hate our jobs. I am mostly speaking to those who are employed by some sort of outside company. If you are self employed, this is probably not much of an issue, because you are your own boss and presumably like what you do, or are so strung out on crack that you don't really care. And come on, how hard is it to give blowjobs at $20 a pop? Putting the new cover sheet on TPS reports is much harder.
So, most of us spend most of our time at our jobs, surrounded by our co-workers for nine hours a day, for (according to my highly scientific calculations) 261 days a year, not counting leave and holidays. We get to know each other, to know each other's quirks and likes and dislikes and who likes to eat disgusting things like ramen noodles mixed with tuna fish. It's almost like we are a family. And, like any family, there can be a great deal of dysfunction in any work environment. So today, we are going to discuss ways to make your relationship with your co-workers run more smoothly. In other words, how not to be the Office Dick, the person everyone hates.
Let's start with something very simple: your physical appearance. No, I'm not talking about whether or not you wear makeup and I don't care if you are wearing ratty jeans and a shirt with a picture of a naked woman on it. Does not bug me at all. What does bug me, though, is when you wear clothes that are too small for you. Like, you have a big fat stomach than hangs 6 inches below the waist of your pants, yet you decide, for some unknown reason, to wear a shirt that only goes 3 inches below your pants. So the rest of us, for the whole day, are subjected to your stomach flab, dangling from under your shirt. We are all afraid that you have the albino Blob in your pants and it's trying to escape and eat us. Also, no matter how young and thin and cute you are (or think you are), there is no excuse for coming to work looking like you are going to a club. Mini skirts, skin tight pants, hooker heels, and super tight, cleavage revealing shirts are not only against the dress code, they make you look like you are trying to pick up your co-workers. And really, who wants that?
Closely related to the issue of appearance is the issue of smell. Yes, the way you smell. Please, for the love of all that is holy, take a shower every day. Use deodorant. Brush your freaking teeth. And don't douse yourself in perfume or cologne. Yes, a little can be nice, but a lot makes it seem like you are walking around with a noxious cloud of stench following you. Also on the scent front, let's discuss other smelly things that everybody except you hates. For example, you may think that your coconut-scented room spray is to die for and decide that it would be wonderful to spray it all over your cubicle, but everyone else that has to smell it is fantasizing about squirting you in the eyes with that spray and then shoving the bottle up your ass. Or when you make your oh-so-delicious broccoli and cheese meal in the communal microwave, I know you think it's the best thing ever, but everyone else thinks it smells like vomit.
You don't even want to know what we think of you when you burn your popcorn.
Don't talk on your cell phone while you are using the bathroom. It's just disturbing. Also, if you happen to "drip" please please please PLEASE clean it up before you leave the stall. That especially goes for you women on your freaking periods! And don't talk to other people over the stalls, especially if you are not good friends with them. Some of us would like to pee in peace, without your play-by-play recap of what you had for lunch or of the cute guy you met this weekend.
WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Unless you are my boss, please do not try to tell me what to do or how to do it. I know my job and if I need help, I will ask for it. You do not need to volunteer your services. I don't care if you have worked here almost as long as I have been alive, I don't need you sending me "helpful" emails or writing me notes pointing out how I could do things different. Please, keep your vast stores of knowledge to yourself.
Don't touch other people's personal property without permission. You need a pen or a stapler? Go right ahead. But keeps your damn hands off my pictures and knickknacks. In fact, unless we are friends, there is no reason for you to be hanging over my desk, talking to me, period. I will happily discuss work-related issues with you. But I do not care what you did this weekend, what you are eating for lunch or what new book you read. I am not going to answer your questions about my personal life. And I definitely do not want to look at pictures of your cats or your vacation or your new house or your kids. In fact, some people should really just learn to shut up all together. When you are talking to people, if they refuse to make eye contact with you, pretend that they can't hear you, or just plain ignore you...those are all warning signs that you are boring and no one likes you. So rather than preying on poor defenseless people who are too polite to tell you to go away, why not take it upon yourself and just shut the fuck up?
Please, please, have something interesting to talk about besides your children. Yes, if you are a new parent or if you have small children, fine, we understand that your children are fascinating. But if your youngest child is 17 and they are still the only thing you ever talk about...well, you seriously need a life.
Don't carry on loud personal phone calls all damn day. If you don't want to work, fine. No one cares. Mess around on the internet, play Solitaire, paint your toe nails, whatever. But when your not-working interferes with my working, then it becomes an issue. It's hard to concentrate when there is someone just a few feet away blabbering on the phone all the time. And especially don't get into arguments on the phone. I'm sorry if your spouse/kids/family/attorney/kid's school/place that you bought your new dishwasher/etc is pissing you off, but if you must yell at them, please take your phone call into the breakroom. Don't yell on the phone. And keep your voice down. We don't all need to know the details of your personal life.
Don't talk in stupid, affected voices that aren't natural to you. No one likes a grownup who talks "baby talk" when there is no actual baby in the immediate vicinity.
Please, do not sing at your desk. Especially if you can't actually sing. And you're wearing headphones, and can't hear how horrible you sound. And people who are guilty of whistling in an office should be taken outside and shot without trial. Do wear your headphones when you are listening to music or a video. No one else wants to listen to the collected hits of Vanilla Ice. And keep your cell phone on vibrate, especially if you are leaving your desk.
Don't be a mooch. If I say you can have one of my tissues once, that does not mean that I am your tissue source for the rest of your natural life. Get your lazy, cheapskate ass to the store and buy some yourself. And don't constantly ask everyone, "Where are you going to lunch today?" and then expect them to bring you food. If you're not smart or capable enough to bring your own lunch, then it is your responsibility to find your own food, unless the other person offers.
I don't care what religion you are, but I don't want to hear about it at work. And I especially do not want you trying to convert me. Do not offer to bring me a pamphlet on the bible, or invite me to church with you, and I will refrain from sharing my views on religion with you. Which should make you happy, because I'm sure you wouldn't like them.
If you need something work related from me, even if we are not friends, please just come and ask. It makes things harder for everyone when you refuse to do your job correctly. But, even if we don't like each other, there is no reason not to be polite. Throwing a paper onto my desk and demanding that I give you the file is not going to win you any points.
Basically, it boils down to manners. Not the "keep a napkin in your lap and don't slurp your soup" kind, but the "make other people feel comfortable and don't be an asshole" kind. Don't be a jerk to me and I won't be one to you and we can all get along fine and do our jobs and go home without wanting to kill each other with machetes. And that, really, is what going to work is all about.
Showing posts with label douches. Show all posts
Showing posts with label douches. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Douches Behind The Wheel
Today's topic is: Tips for Drivers or, How to Not be a Road Douche.
Yes, I know, I have ranted and raved about bad drivers a million times before. Today, however, we are going to do something different. Instead of just complaining about bad drivers, I am actually going to teach them how to become good drivers. So pay close attention. As Dave Barry says, "the one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we all believe we are above average drivers." But that does not mean that we all actually are above average drivers. In fact, the very meaning of the word "average" would preclude that possibility. As in everything else, most people are average, with some below and some above. I, of course, am one of the ones above, which is what makes me qualified to deliver this very important public service announcement.
#1: First off, let's talk about the Speeder. I know, everyone loves to speed. I love to speed! Most speed limits are far too low, and it's fun to go fast, okay, we all get it. However, there is a fine line between merely going a little fast and being a road douche. Going a little fast means you are going ten to fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit, but still doing it safely. You're not weaving in and out of traffic, trying to pass every car in sight. You're not tailgating people. You're still using your turn signal. You slow down when appropriate. In other words, you're being a courteous driver who happens to be going a little fast. Fine. If you're a road douche, on the other hand, you're just being a jackass. You're swerving in and out of traffic, across multiple lanes, never using a turn signal. You're tailgating any car that you can't pass, sometimes honking at or flipping off the other driver for not accommodating your doucheishness. You speed even in bad weather, turning yourself into an accident just waiting to happen. Stop being such a jackass when you speed. Slow down a bit, stop tailgating people, and quit speeding in the rain. If speeding is that important to you, stop driving on the road and go join NASCAR. Then nobody will care if you cause an accident. In fact, it would probably make a lot of people happy. Especially if you die in a giant gasoline-fueled fireball.
#2: Of course, the other side of this coin is the Slow Driver. I mean, come on. No one drives exactly at the speed limit unless there is a cop in the immediate vicinity, you are in a school zone, or you're an ancient person who is half blind and probably shouldn't be driving anyway. Please, stop driving so slowly. It pisses everyone off. Especially on one lane roads where no one can pass you. You're lucky you haven't been shot yet. Come on, granny, hit the gas pedal. It's not that hard.
#3: Next, I want to address the issue of Red Light Runners. Unlike with a little bit of speeding, there is no excuse for this. You can see the light, you can see that it has changed color. Everyone, even 3 year old children, know that "RED" means "STOP." I'm sure you played "Red Light, Green Light" as a child, so you had that knowledge drummed into your head then. Why have you forgotten it in the intervening years? It's not that hard. When other people have a green light and want to drive but can't because you are blocking the intersection, it makes them angry, and it makes you a very big road douche. I fully support the red light cameras that have been installed all over the city. I just wish there were more of them. Or, even better, red light tire spikes that would pop out of the ground as soon as the light changed. That way, anyone who was running the light would have their car ruined. I bet after that was reported in the news a few times, people would get the message. STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS! If you don't want to obey traffic signals, move to some Third World country where there are no traffic signals. And then maybe you will catch malaria and die, and that will solve everyone's problems.
#4: Next, we will discuss the epitome of road doucheishness: The Loud Crappy Music Playing Douche. Yes, we know, you love your music. You think it's the best music ever, that the person who created it is a genius that should have a national holiday named after them, that you plan to name your first born child after them and dance to this music at the ghetto wedding you one day might have. That's all fine and well and good. We all have music we love. However, most of us do not inflict that music in a painful way on other people. The road douche, however, doesn't care. By the FSM, you are going to jam, and it doesn't matter if nobody else wants to jam. It's not your fault they are driving so close to you! Or that your speakers have enough bass output to knock the Earth off its orbit. You just want to listen to your music, dammit! Because it is so damn cool! But guess what! Nobody wants to listen to your music, whether it is hardcore gansta rap or Kenny Rogers ballads. If they wanted to listen to it, they would have already bought the CD. Turn down your damn stereo. If you must listen to music so loud that it makes your ears bleed, at least do everyone else a favor and do it through a pair of headphones. That way, the only one to suffer hearing loss will be you. Also, no one likes your sub woofer. Get rid of it.
5: Get off your damn cell phone and drive. I don't care if you have a Bluetooth. You still can't concentrate on the road if you are on the damn phone. Whatever the hell you are talking about is not that important, believe me.
6: If you are in a lane that has a sign that says "Lane End in X Feet," please move over immediately. There is no reason to wait until the very last minute and then force your way into the other lane. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. On the other hand, if you are in a lane that another lane has to merge into, let cars merge. There is no reason to be a dick and block people. They can't help the fact that the lane is disappearing.
7: Always use your damn turn signal when you want to turn or change lanes. And remember to turn it off after you are done! No one wants to watch your turn signal blink blink blink blink forever.
8: When you are parking, don't try to squeeze into a spot that is too small for your car. There are probably plenty of spaces, even if some of them are a little further away. Oh well. You could probably use the exercise. Also, don't park in two spots. I know, you do that because you don't want someone to park next to you and scratch your car on accident. But you know what? Parking like that only encourages pissed off people to key your car. Also, when you are parking, if there are people behind you, don't pull forward and then attempt to back into the space. Yes, I know, it makes it easier for you to get out when you leave. But everyone who has to wait while you very slowly back into the spot is planning on beating you to death as soon as you get out of your car.
There are lots more tips I could offer, I'm sure, but this is already getting long enough, so I am going to close with the most relevant piece of advice. Basically, don't be a road douche. You are not the only driver out there. The definition of the road douche is someone who doesn't care about anyone else on the road. Don't do that. Please. Pay attention, drive safely, and turn down your goddamn music. Otherwise, I am going to have to shoot you with the roof-mounted rocket launchers on my grannymobile.
Yes, I know, I have ranted and raved about bad drivers a million times before. Today, however, we are going to do something different. Instead of just complaining about bad drivers, I am actually going to teach them how to become good drivers. So pay close attention. As Dave Barry says, "the one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we all believe we are above average drivers." But that does not mean that we all actually are above average drivers. In fact, the very meaning of the word "average" would preclude that possibility. As in everything else, most people are average, with some below and some above. I, of course, am one of the ones above, which is what makes me qualified to deliver this very important public service announcement.
#1: First off, let's talk about the Speeder. I know, everyone loves to speed. I love to speed! Most speed limits are far too low, and it's fun to go fast, okay, we all get it. However, there is a fine line between merely going a little fast and being a road douche. Going a little fast means you are going ten to fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit, but still doing it safely. You're not weaving in and out of traffic, trying to pass every car in sight. You're not tailgating people. You're still using your turn signal. You slow down when appropriate. In other words, you're being a courteous driver who happens to be going a little fast. Fine. If you're a road douche, on the other hand, you're just being a jackass. You're swerving in and out of traffic, across multiple lanes, never using a turn signal. You're tailgating any car that you can't pass, sometimes honking at or flipping off the other driver for not accommodating your doucheishness. You speed even in bad weather, turning yourself into an accident just waiting to happen. Stop being such a jackass when you speed. Slow down a bit, stop tailgating people, and quit speeding in the rain. If speeding is that important to you, stop driving on the road and go join NASCAR. Then nobody will care if you cause an accident. In fact, it would probably make a lot of people happy. Especially if you die in a giant gasoline-fueled fireball.
#2: Of course, the other side of this coin is the Slow Driver. I mean, come on. No one drives exactly at the speed limit unless there is a cop in the immediate vicinity, you are in a school zone, or you're an ancient person who is half blind and probably shouldn't be driving anyway. Please, stop driving so slowly. It pisses everyone off. Especially on one lane roads where no one can pass you. You're lucky you haven't been shot yet. Come on, granny, hit the gas pedal. It's not that hard.
#3: Next, I want to address the issue of Red Light Runners. Unlike with a little bit of speeding, there is no excuse for this. You can see the light, you can see that it has changed color. Everyone, even 3 year old children, know that "RED" means "STOP." I'm sure you played "Red Light, Green Light" as a child, so you had that knowledge drummed into your head then. Why have you forgotten it in the intervening years? It's not that hard. When other people have a green light and want to drive but can't because you are blocking the intersection, it makes them angry, and it makes you a very big road douche. I fully support the red light cameras that have been installed all over the city. I just wish there were more of them. Or, even better, red light tire spikes that would pop out of the ground as soon as the light changed. That way, anyone who was running the light would have their car ruined. I bet after that was reported in the news a few times, people would get the message. STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS! If you don't want to obey traffic signals, move to some Third World country where there are no traffic signals. And then maybe you will catch malaria and die, and that will solve everyone's problems.
#4: Next, we will discuss the epitome of road doucheishness: The Loud Crappy Music Playing Douche. Yes, we know, you love your music. You think it's the best music ever, that the person who created it is a genius that should have a national holiday named after them, that you plan to name your first born child after them and dance to this music at the ghetto wedding you one day might have. That's all fine and well and good. We all have music we love. However, most of us do not inflict that music in a painful way on other people. The road douche, however, doesn't care. By the FSM, you are going to jam, and it doesn't matter if nobody else wants to jam. It's not your fault they are driving so close to you! Or that your speakers have enough bass output to knock the Earth off its orbit. You just want to listen to your music, dammit! Because it is so damn cool! But guess what! Nobody wants to listen to your music, whether it is hardcore gansta rap or Kenny Rogers ballads. If they wanted to listen to it, they would have already bought the CD. Turn down your damn stereo. If you must listen to music so loud that it makes your ears bleed, at least do everyone else a favor and do it through a pair of headphones. That way, the only one to suffer hearing loss will be you. Also, no one likes your sub woofer. Get rid of it.
5: Get off your damn cell phone and drive. I don't care if you have a Bluetooth. You still can't concentrate on the road if you are on the damn phone. Whatever the hell you are talking about is not that important, believe me.
6: If you are in a lane that has a sign that says "Lane End in X Feet," please move over immediately. There is no reason to wait until the very last minute and then force your way into the other lane. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. On the other hand, if you are in a lane that another lane has to merge into, let cars merge. There is no reason to be a dick and block people. They can't help the fact that the lane is disappearing.
7: Always use your damn turn signal when you want to turn or change lanes. And remember to turn it off after you are done! No one wants to watch your turn signal blink blink blink blink forever.
8: When you are parking, don't try to squeeze into a spot that is too small for your car. There are probably plenty of spaces, even if some of them are a little further away. Oh well. You could probably use the exercise. Also, don't park in two spots. I know, you do that because you don't want someone to park next to you and scratch your car on accident. But you know what? Parking like that only encourages pissed off people to key your car. Also, when you are parking, if there are people behind you, don't pull forward and then attempt to back into the space. Yes, I know, it makes it easier for you to get out when you leave. But everyone who has to wait while you very slowly back into the spot is planning on beating you to death as soon as you get out of your car.
There are lots more tips I could offer, I'm sure, but this is already getting long enough, so I am going to close with the most relevant piece of advice. Basically, don't be a road douche. You are not the only driver out there. The definition of the road douche is someone who doesn't care about anyone else on the road. Don't do that. Please. Pay attention, drive safely, and turn down your goddamn music. Otherwise, I am going to have to shoot you with the roof-mounted rocket launchers on my grannymobile.
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