Problems Solved!

(I had planned to write this post yesterday, but just when I had opened up the page and started typing, my boss went walking around the division, telling everyone to make sure that we don't blog at work. Who knows why. But since I don't want to be fired from my monkey job, because then I might have to find real work, I decided to postpone it until tonight. So now I am sitting at home in my pjs, drunk. Just FYI.)

It occurs to me that I haven't outlined my positions for my world domination. So I am going to take this opportunity to do so. Just so you know what you are getting into if you decide to support me in my bid to take over the world (and what you're up against if you decide to join the misguided rebellion that is sure to spring up).

First off, stupidity is going to be illegal. There will be mandatory intelligence tests, and anyone who falls below a certain score (100 is a nice round number, but I think maybe it should be higher, just to weed stupidity from the gene pool. Maybe 110.) will be guilty. I haven't quite decided what should happen to intelligence criminals yet. It would be eminently satisfying to kill them, but it may be more useful simply to sterilize them and then force them to do jobs suited to their level of brainpower, such as trash collecting, cleaning, and being weatherpeople.

Second, in an effort to control the population and to prevent things like abused/abandoned/neglected children, there will be mandatory birth control. I'm thinking it will be injected into the water supply, so you really have no choice in the matter. Then, if someone wants to have a baby, they have to pass a test and get a license; then they can get the antidote to the birth control. That way, only people who want and can handle kids will have them, and everybody else can screw all they want without messing up some little kid's life.

All forms of violent crime will have just one punishment: death. So murderers, rapists, wife-beaters, armed robbers...all of them will be put to death. But we're not talking any old death, like lethal injection or the electric chair or anything. No, my vision calls for a shark tank. And the criminal will be sliced up with a small razor, to make him nice and bloody without killing him, and then he will be dropped into the shark tank. We could also use piranhas, lions, and various kinds of poisonous snakes. (I am envisioning a Christian vs. the Lion sort of thing.) And this will all be broadcast as the new reality television (sorry, but all the crap that's on now--American Idol, Big Brother, etc--will be outlawed).

But I really expect the crime rate to go down, because, as everyone knows, most criminals are men, and I really don't expect to keep a lot of them around when my takeover is complete. See, men are really just a pain in the ass, for the most part. So, a lot of them will die. (Again, the shark tanks might come in handy here.) Those that swear loyalty to my regime will be allowed to live, but there will be very limited job options for men in my glorious new world. They can do all the nasty, dirty, heavy work, like construction and farming, things like that, but they will also have the option of being maids, or cooks, or laundry people! The really lucky ones will be allowed to be sex slaves, to keep the women happy and provide children when it is time for that. But those are only the really smart, good looking, nice guys. Sorry, boys! But when I have a dolly (for lifting and carrying heavy things) and a vibrator (well, you know what that is for), you're really kinda obsolete.

Professional sports will be outlawed. You can play sports all you want in your community or school or whatever, for fun. But the second that people start getting paid multimillions of dollars for throwing/catching/hitting some stupid little ball, that is when my special earthquake generator will be deployed, and the entire sports stadium, complete with players and fans, will sink into a giant pit in the ground.

Rap, country, and Spanish "music" will all be outlawed, because they just suck. Also to be banned: as previously mentioned, reality TV, along with movies that have just enough plot to explain why people are shooting other people (the genre I refer to as "action porn"), talk radio, local news programs, sub woofers in cars, mullets, ESPN, and chili.

These are just a few of my thoughts regarding my eventual global domination. I'm sure I will have more another time, but this is a good primer. So if you agree with me, please let me know, so I can add you to the list of my loyal subjects. And if you don't agree with me...well, there will be plenty of room in the shark tank. If you don't mind the sharks.