Sick TV

Ahh, my minions. I know, you have missed me terribly. I'm so sorry to have left you alone for so long, weeping and wailing and gnashing your teeth over the loss of me. I am here now! So don't cry anymore.


Or, well, I guess you can cry if you want to. Lots of people do, when I am talking to them. Usually, because I am saying evil things, like telling them exactly how stupid they are. I twist my lip just so, get an evil glint in my eyes, get the whole furrowed brow thing going...and people are sobbing at my feet, begging me not to hurt them.


Okay, I guess I am being a little bit overdramatic. Just a little bit. But some day, the mere mention of my name will be enough to make the masses tremble!


Anyways. Enough with the self-aggrandizement. Let's get down to business.

So, the reason I am able to post right at all is that I am home today, sick with a cold. I know, you thought that I, in my evilness, would be immune from such common things as viruses, but even evil goddesses get sick occasionally. I woke up this morning with a horrible pressure in my head and nose, which allowed me to have a marvelous revelation: I know what it feels like to be an Egyptian mummy! The Egyptians, when they mummified someone, pulled out many of their organs and put them in special jars, which were then sealed in the tomb with the person. But, for some reason, they saw no purpose in preserving the brain. Instead, a small hook was inserted up the dead person's nostril, breaking the bone between the nose and brain. Then the hook would be stirred around until the brain turned to liquid, at which point it would be drained out of the nose. Fun! And that's how I felt this morning, like someone was yanking my brain out of my head and into my sinus cavity. Gotta love colds!

So anyways, since I have been sick today, I have spent the whole day, until now, laying on the couch watching TV. I have one very important thing to say about that: I am eternally grateful that I have cable. If I had been forced to sit around watching the network crap like Good Morning America and General Hospital all day, I would have committed suicide by overdosing on my cold medicine.

Even with cable, there is not a lot of great TV on during the day. All the really good shows--Monk, Psych, Eureka, Burn Notice, In Plain Sight--are on vacation right now, and the other really good ones that are currently on the air--reruns of House and Seinfeld, Mythbusters, The Starter Wife--are not on during the day. So I had to settle for whatever I could stomach watching. And, during the past six hours, I learned several important things.

First off, there are a lot of demented/freaky/stupid/just plain annoying commercials. For instance, those Charmin commercials with the blue dancing cartoon bears. I'm sorry, but watching how well Charmin works on wiping bear asses does not convince me that I should buy it for my family. None of us are covered with blue fur, so the analogy really doesn't work. And watching the toilet paper get stuck to their butts is simply unappealing. I think I will stick with the generic brand that uses real humans in its advertisements and does not show pictures of anyone's ass.

Then there are those commercials for various beauty products, the ones that always show a "before and after" picture. Have you ever noticed how the people in the "before" picture are always gloomy-looking, as if they had just found out their mother had terminal cancer or something? And then in the "after" picture, they are always smiling away, like they just won the lottery! Though those smiles look demented to me. Not so much "look how pretty I am" as "I'm a total freak who just wasted $5 on chemicals to slather on my face and I'm probably going to get cancer!" Hmm. Maybe the smile is part of why they always look so much nicer in the "after" picture! So if you smile, you'll look nice naturally and you won't have to go out and buy overpriced crap to slather on your face! (Uh oh. I don't think I was supposed to figure that out! The powerful cosmetics industry is probably sending assassins to my door as we speak, and I will be found dead this evening, stabbed to death with mascara brushes.)

And now, with Christmas coming, there are two types of Christmas-themed commercials that really bug me. The first are those commercials where they sing a Christmas song, but replace the lyrics with words pertaining to whatever they are selling. Do I really need to hear "Deck the Halls" with words about how great your store/product is? No, I don't. The second kind of Christmas-themed commercial that really annoys me are the ones that suggest that practically anything can be given as a Christmas present. Now, I know there are lots of people out there who buy cars. But I have never in my life met anyone who bought someone else a car for Christmas. I mean, honestly. Who has $20,000 just laying around and decides to spend it on a car for another person? If I had an extra $20,000, you can be damn sure that I would not be spending it on anyone but me. I have also seen commercials suggesting that vacuum cleanings, electric toothbrushes, and electric razors would all make great gifts for that "special someone." I don't know about you, but if someone gave me a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, they would not be welcome in my house for a good long time after that. Also, they might very soon thereafter have to undergo experimental surgery to remove the vacuum cleaner hose from their right nostril.

The second thing I learned today is that I am an idiot. Well, not learned, exactly. I already knew that. But today reinforced it. See, here's the thing. I am deathly afraid of ghosts. I think they are cool, I think they are interesting and fascinating...and if I ever actually saw one, I would pee in my pants. And yet, today, sitting at home--alone, no less--I watched two shows about ghosts. I don't know why I do that. I know the shows will scare me. But I watch them anyways, all huddled on the couch with a blanket over my head, like that is going to save me from the absolute horror of looking around and seeing an actual ghost in my house.

Thirdly, I learned about how best to commit a murder. The shows I watched--aside from the scary ghost shows--were all true crime type shows, about how the cops caught murderers and pinned the murders on them, all using forensic stuff. Basically, if you decide to kill someone, be sure you 1) don't tell anyone else about it (those snitches are a real pain in the ass) and 2) don't leave any DNA behind. One of the guys got caught because he had used his teeth to rip the duct tape he put over the victim's mouth, so he left saliva on the tape, which the detectives were able to lift DNA from. Very cool. So when I start murdering people, I will be sure to wear gloves and a hairnet and not to lick anything.

So, those are the lessons I gleaned today from watching cable TV for six hours straight. And people have the nerve to say that TV is not educational! Ha! What fools you mortals be!

Man, I am getting delirious. It's the lack of brains, I think. I need another shot of Nyquil. And so, minions, I will leave you for now.