Attack of the 50 Foot Wide Lard Bucket

So a friend and I went shopping the other weekend. Like most women, I do love shopping, but I don't indulge in it very often, for one very good reason: every store in the world seems designed to make me feel like a walking pile of blubber.

Has this ever happened to you? You walk into a store. You find an item you like--maybe it's the color, or the cut, or the style, but something about that piece of clothing grabs your eye. You flip through the rack until you find the one in your size. Feeling hopeful, you head into the dressing room, take off your clothes, pull the new item on...and discover that it doesn't fit. Let's say it's a shirt. Perhaps, despite the "x-large" tag, it doesn't fit over your shoulders, or you have to unroll it over your boobs like you are trying to stuff a sausage. Perhaps you can't get the buttons to close. Maybe you can pull it on, but it's too tight across the back of your shoulders, forcing you to adopt a strange hunchback stance, like you are practicing for the role of Quasimodo. Or maybe it fits perfectly in all respects, except the sleeves are too short.

Welcome to my world.

I am a large woman. Sure, I am somewhat overweight; I like Coke and pastries too much not to be. I am not overly huge--I can actually see my toes, and I have a discernible waistline, even if it's bigger than it should be--but large enough. But I am also very tall. Ever since I was 14 years old, I have been 5 feet 9.5 inches tall (and you can just imagine how much fun that made dating in high school, where almost all the boys were shorter than me). I have large, long bones, and big boobs, and wear a size 9 1/2 shoe. So weight is not really the issue. Even when I weighed much less than I do now (when I had a BMI of 19.6, according to this BMI calculator), I could not find clothes that fit well. For some reason, the all-powerful clothing industry has decided that women over 5'6" just don't get to wear their clothes. Apparently, we are supposed to be content with wrapping ourselves in garbage bags.

So shopping, naturally, was a total blast. We went to Old Navy, first, which is actually a store I don't mind going into. They actually have clothes that fit me. The sizes run up to like 22 or 24, and they have "long" style pants. So I didn't feel too bad about myself in Old Navy. I bought several cute new shirts, and some jeans that fit and make my ass look nice. Then we went to a shoe store. Again, not too much of a problem. I have large feet, for a woman, but as I was just buying a pair of Converse sneakers, it didn't really matter. So I was feeling pretty good about our shopping trip at that point.

Until, that is, we braved the terror of (dun dun DUN!) the mall.

The mall is the archenemy of non-Barbie doll proportioned women. The stores there are happy to cater to you...as long as you are small. Otherwise, you are just S.O.L. While my friend was trying on clothes in one store (the Gap, maybe? I don't remember...it was all a blur of emo-looking guys and tight, shiny dresses), I amused myself by looking at the tags on the clothes. The X-Large, in that store, was a size 10. Yes, that's right...a size 10. I routinely wear an X-Large, at Old Navy and Walmart. But I could not fit into a size 10 if you greased me like a pig and used a forklift to hoist me into the material. Like faster-than-light travel, it's just not happening outside of my fantasies. But then, it never happened. Even when I graduated high school, which is when I weighed the least I have in my adult life, I could not fit into a size 10. I am simply too tall, too statuesque (which, by the way, is a great word, I think).

So I didn't do much shopping inside the mall. The scenario above, about not being able to find clothes that fit, is totally true. That is what happens to me every time I go shopping for clothes. Except for at a few select stores, nothing fits. The shirts are too tight across the stomach, too tight around the arms, too tight across the back, too short, too tight over the boobs, too short in the sleeves. The pants are too short. Even shopping for bras and underwear and socks is a challenge. How do you know what size underwear will fit you if you can't try it on? But when you buy it at Walmart by the 6-pack, it's impossible to try on. So I have many packages of wrong-sized underwear at home that I can't return but can't wear. It's hard to find women's socks for 9 1/2 size feet, so I often end up buying men's socks. And bras: don't get me started. You can't buy a cute bra if you have a cup size bigger than C, or a band size over 38. They simply don't sell cute bras for "big" girls at normal stores, as if we were not interested in looking sexy, too. If I want cute lingerie, I have to go to the "plus sized" store.

In fact, for a lot of things, I need to go to the plus sized store, or what I like to call "the fatgirl store". And the really fucked up part is that the "plus" sizes start at size 12. Yes, the size I wore when I was thin and cute and sexy is considered a "plus" size. No wonder so many women have body issues!

The fatgirl store that I frequent is called Torrid. It has cute, age-appropriate clothes, as opposed to like, Lane Bryant, which has stuff your grandmother would find too old ladyish. Going to Torrid actually makes me feel pretty good, because whereas I can't even fit into an X-Large at the Gap, I wear a size 1 at Torrid. Yes, I know, it's not a real size 1. But it still makes me feel good. So I bought a pretty belt, which actually fit all the way around my hips. My friend, who is big in the boobage area, got a cute shirt. She wore a size 0. Bitch.

So anyways, that was my fun shopping day. By the time we left the mall, I was feeling fat and ugly and very, very discouraged (and how horrible is it when shopping, an activity that is supposed to be fun, makes you want to cry?). But then I came up with a great idea! I plan to get extreme cosmetic surgery (breast reduction, liposuction, and arm and leg shortening) and develop an eating disorder. Then I can shop at the mall just like a normal girl!

How Smart Are You?

This is an interesting quiz, measuring how much you know about general science. Take it and post your results in the comments! I got 11 out of 12 correct, which only proves my super smartness!

Click here for the quiz.

My New Favorite Song

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

A Skull Tumor--The Height of Fashion

Can someone please explain this to me? Honestly, why do women want to wear their hair like this? Yes, I know, I've been told it's because they want the appearance of full hair, lots of volume, etc. But you know what? This doesn't make you look like you have full hair. It makes you look like you have a tumor growing out of the top of your skull. Just look at the following illustration:


If anyone has any reasonable explanation for why you would wear this, please leave a message in the comments. I am honestly curious. I have never in my life felt the need to look like I have a pretend tumor. So I am curious.