Warning: Contains graphic subject matter. If you are a weenie, do not read any further.
If you are a man (or close to one, anyway), here's what I want you to do. Get something kind of big and heavy, like a dumbbell or a bowling ball, and strike yourself repeated in the belly with it. Not in your stomach, exactly. Lower down, near your pelvic bone. Do this repeatedly for several days. Occasionally, stab yourself on either side of the belly with something really sharp, like a bamboo skewer or an ice pick. And though you may be bleeding quite a bit, try really hard not to get any blood on your clothes.
Congratulations. Now you understand a small part of what it is to be a woman.
A few weeks ago, I promised you that we would have a discussion of periods sometime soon. Well, today is your lucky day, because I am finally in the mood to talk about this. (If you have guessed that "in the mood" means I am having my period, then yes, you are very clever. And you also better not fuck with me for the next several days.) So, where shall we start?
First off, the physical discomfort. Not all women hurt as much as I described above, of course. Some hurt much more. A few lucky ones escape the pain all together, but the rest of us think they are bitches. Basically, it's like a giant hand has pushed itself through the wall of your abdomen, grabbed your innards, and is twisting them as hard as it can. Fun, right? And then your back aches. And your breasts hurt and swell for several days, and when you take your bra off, they feel like someone has tied weights to them, dragging them painfully downwards. After that, they shrink and stop hurting, but they just sort of hang there like half filled-water balloons, very sad and depressed looking. And you feel as bloated as a 4 day old corpse and none of your pants fit right.
And then of course there is the dreaded PMS. Though why it is called "Pre-Menstrual Syndrome" I have never really understood, because it is not just a "pre" thing. It's should just be called "Menstrual Syndrome" or "Don't Fuck With Me Syndrome." DFWMS. Has a much better ring to it, I think. I'm sure you men think you know all about PMS. "Oh, yes," you are probably thinking to yourself right now, "that's when my girlfriend/wife gets mad at me for no reason and yells about how we have run out of strawberry ice cream." How wrong you are. Sure, we might yell or cry or be sulky. But only for good reason. And running out of strawberry ice cream is a damn good reason. And it's not our fault. Our bodies are swirling masses of hormones that make us act that way. We can't help it! Basically, if you don't want to spend several days being miserable, here is some advice for you: The woman is always right. Especially when she is in pain due to an evolutionary system designed to bear YOUR children! So go get the damn ice cream, bring her a glass of cold water, do the dishes, whatever she wants you to do. Otherwise you might find out what it's like to sing soprano, if you know what I mean.
And here's a tip for you. We don't like those jokes you guys like to make about "something that bleeds for a week." Not funny. Not even remotely. If you would like to see something bleeding for a week, we would be glad to take a very dull knife to some of your very sensitive skin.
Of course, when we are having our periods, we want to eat junk food. It makes us feel better, emotionally. The salt and sugar and soda, though, only make us feel more bloated, thereby adding to our discomfort. And did you know that many women have upset stomachs during their periods? Even more fun! Because it's not messy enough without that.
Speaking of messes, imagine trying to get dressed. What if there's a leak? You can't wear anything light colored, just in case. And you can't wear anything tight around your stomach. Or around your crotch. Or, for that matter, your boobs. Basically, you feel like wearing nothing but ratty old sweat pants and oversized T-shirts for a week. But of course, that is not socially acceptable.
Also, guys, another tip: We probably don't want to have sex with you when we are having our period. Yes, yes, I know, you've read those studies that say that orgasms help relieve pain, blah blah blah. So what? To want to have sex, we usually have to feel sexy, and I can think of few things quiet as not-sexy as feeling like your uterus hates you and is deliberately ruining your life. So sure, offer us a back rub, a foot rub, a heating pad, lots of drugs, whatever. But please don't try to put the moves on us. Unless we indicate that we would like the moves to be put on us, in which case you damn well better comply (see singing soprano threat, above).
Basically, periods are pretty miserable. If you don't want us to make you miserable, too, make sure you bring us our ice cream, lay in a store of good movies for us, and if we send you to the store to buy tampons, don't fucking complain about it, just do it. Because you do not want to piss the hormones off.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Douches Behind The Wheel
Today's topic is: Tips for Drivers or, How to Not be a Road Douche.
Yes, I know, I have ranted and raved about bad drivers a million times before. Today, however, we are going to do something different. Instead of just complaining about bad drivers, I am actually going to teach them how to become good drivers. So pay close attention. As Dave Barry says, "the one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we all believe we are above average drivers." But that does not mean that we all actually are above average drivers. In fact, the very meaning of the word "average" would preclude that possibility. As in everything else, most people are average, with some below and some above. I, of course, am one of the ones above, which is what makes me qualified to deliver this very important public service announcement.
#1: First off, let's talk about the Speeder. I know, everyone loves to speed. I love to speed! Most speed limits are far too low, and it's fun to go fast, okay, we all get it. However, there is a fine line between merely going a little fast and being a road douche. Going a little fast means you are going ten to fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit, but still doing it safely. You're not weaving in and out of traffic, trying to pass every car in sight. You're not tailgating people. You're still using your turn signal. You slow down when appropriate. In other words, you're being a courteous driver who happens to be going a little fast. Fine. If you're a road douche, on the other hand, you're just being a jackass. You're swerving in and out of traffic, across multiple lanes, never using a turn signal. You're tailgating any car that you can't pass, sometimes honking at or flipping off the other driver for not accommodating your doucheishness. You speed even in bad weather, turning yourself into an accident just waiting to happen. Stop being such a jackass when you speed. Slow down a bit, stop tailgating people, and quit speeding in the rain. If speeding is that important to you, stop driving on the road and go join NASCAR. Then nobody will care if you cause an accident. In fact, it would probably make a lot of people happy. Especially if you die in a giant gasoline-fueled fireball.
#2: Of course, the other side of this coin is the Slow Driver. I mean, come on. No one drives exactly at the speed limit unless there is a cop in the immediate vicinity, you are in a school zone, or you're an ancient person who is half blind and probably shouldn't be driving anyway. Please, stop driving so slowly. It pisses everyone off. Especially on one lane roads where no one can pass you. You're lucky you haven't been shot yet. Come on, granny, hit the gas pedal. It's not that hard.
#3: Next, I want to address the issue of Red Light Runners. Unlike with a little bit of speeding, there is no excuse for this. You can see the light, you can see that it has changed color. Everyone, even 3 year old children, know that "RED" means "STOP." I'm sure you played "Red Light, Green Light" as a child, so you had that knowledge drummed into your head then. Why have you forgotten it in the intervening years? It's not that hard. When other people have a green light and want to drive but can't because you are blocking the intersection, it makes them angry, and it makes you a very big road douche. I fully support the red light cameras that have been installed all over the city. I just wish there were more of them. Or, even better, red light tire spikes that would pop out of the ground as soon as the light changed. That way, anyone who was running the light would have their car ruined. I bet after that was reported in the news a few times, people would get the message. STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS! If you don't want to obey traffic signals, move to some Third World country where there are no traffic signals. And then maybe you will catch malaria and die, and that will solve everyone's problems.
#4: Next, we will discuss the epitome of road doucheishness: The Loud Crappy Music Playing Douche. Yes, we know, you love your music. You think it's the best music ever, that the person who created it is a genius that should have a national holiday named after them, that you plan to name your first born child after them and dance to this music at the ghetto wedding you one day might have. That's all fine and well and good. We all have music we love. However, most of us do not inflict that music in a painful way on other people. The road douche, however, doesn't care. By the FSM, you are going to jam, and it doesn't matter if nobody else wants to jam. It's not your fault they are driving so close to you! Or that your speakers have enough bass output to knock the Earth off its orbit. You just want to listen to your music, dammit! Because it is so damn cool! But guess what! Nobody wants to listen to your music, whether it is hardcore gansta rap or Kenny Rogers ballads. If they wanted to listen to it, they would have already bought the CD. Turn down your damn stereo. If you must listen to music so loud that it makes your ears bleed, at least do everyone else a favor and do it through a pair of headphones. That way, the only one to suffer hearing loss will be you. Also, no one likes your sub woofer. Get rid of it.
5: Get off your damn cell phone and drive. I don't care if you have a Bluetooth. You still can't concentrate on the road if you are on the damn phone. Whatever the hell you are talking about is not that important, believe me.
6: If you are in a lane that has a sign that says "Lane End in X Feet," please move over immediately. There is no reason to wait until the very last minute and then force your way into the other lane. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. On the other hand, if you are in a lane that another lane has to merge into, let cars merge. There is no reason to be a dick and block people. They can't help the fact that the lane is disappearing.
7: Always use your damn turn signal when you want to turn or change lanes. And remember to turn it off after you are done! No one wants to watch your turn signal blink blink blink blink forever.
8: When you are parking, don't try to squeeze into a spot that is too small for your car. There are probably plenty of spaces, even if some of them are a little further away. Oh well. You could probably use the exercise. Also, don't park in two spots. I know, you do that because you don't want someone to park next to you and scratch your car on accident. But you know what? Parking like that only encourages pissed off people to key your car. Also, when you are parking, if there are people behind you, don't pull forward and then attempt to back into the space. Yes, I know, it makes it easier for you to get out when you leave. But everyone who has to wait while you very slowly back into the spot is planning on beating you to death as soon as you get out of your car.
There are lots more tips I could offer, I'm sure, but this is already getting long enough, so I am going to close with the most relevant piece of advice. Basically, don't be a road douche. You are not the only driver out there. The definition of the road douche is someone who doesn't care about anyone else on the road. Don't do that. Please. Pay attention, drive safely, and turn down your goddamn music. Otherwise, I am going to have to shoot you with the roof-mounted rocket launchers on my grannymobile.
Yes, I know, I have ranted and raved about bad drivers a million times before. Today, however, we are going to do something different. Instead of just complaining about bad drivers, I am actually going to teach them how to become good drivers. So pay close attention. As Dave Barry says, "the one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we all believe we are above average drivers." But that does not mean that we all actually are above average drivers. In fact, the very meaning of the word "average" would preclude that possibility. As in everything else, most people are average, with some below and some above. I, of course, am one of the ones above, which is what makes me qualified to deliver this very important public service announcement.
#1: First off, let's talk about the Speeder. I know, everyone loves to speed. I love to speed! Most speed limits are far too low, and it's fun to go fast, okay, we all get it. However, there is a fine line between merely going a little fast and being a road douche. Going a little fast means you are going ten to fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit, but still doing it safely. You're not weaving in and out of traffic, trying to pass every car in sight. You're not tailgating people. You're still using your turn signal. You slow down when appropriate. In other words, you're being a courteous driver who happens to be going a little fast. Fine. If you're a road douche, on the other hand, you're just being a jackass. You're swerving in and out of traffic, across multiple lanes, never using a turn signal. You're tailgating any car that you can't pass, sometimes honking at or flipping off the other driver for not accommodating your doucheishness. You speed even in bad weather, turning yourself into an accident just waiting to happen. Stop being such a jackass when you speed. Slow down a bit, stop tailgating people, and quit speeding in the rain. If speeding is that important to you, stop driving on the road and go join NASCAR. Then nobody will care if you cause an accident. In fact, it would probably make a lot of people happy. Especially if you die in a giant gasoline-fueled fireball.
#2: Of course, the other side of this coin is the Slow Driver. I mean, come on. No one drives exactly at the speed limit unless there is a cop in the immediate vicinity, you are in a school zone, or you're an ancient person who is half blind and probably shouldn't be driving anyway. Please, stop driving so slowly. It pisses everyone off. Especially on one lane roads where no one can pass you. You're lucky you haven't been shot yet. Come on, granny, hit the gas pedal. It's not that hard.
#3: Next, I want to address the issue of Red Light Runners. Unlike with a little bit of speeding, there is no excuse for this. You can see the light, you can see that it has changed color. Everyone, even 3 year old children, know that "RED" means "STOP." I'm sure you played "Red Light, Green Light" as a child, so you had that knowledge drummed into your head then. Why have you forgotten it in the intervening years? It's not that hard. When other people have a green light and want to drive but can't because you are blocking the intersection, it makes them angry, and it makes you a very big road douche. I fully support the red light cameras that have been installed all over the city. I just wish there were more of them. Or, even better, red light tire spikes that would pop out of the ground as soon as the light changed. That way, anyone who was running the light would have their car ruined. I bet after that was reported in the news a few times, people would get the message. STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS! If you don't want to obey traffic signals, move to some Third World country where there are no traffic signals. And then maybe you will catch malaria and die, and that will solve everyone's problems.
#4: Next, we will discuss the epitome of road doucheishness: The Loud Crappy Music Playing Douche. Yes, we know, you love your music. You think it's the best music ever, that the person who created it is a genius that should have a national holiday named after them, that you plan to name your first born child after them and dance to this music at the ghetto wedding you one day might have. That's all fine and well and good. We all have music we love. However, most of us do not inflict that music in a painful way on other people. The road douche, however, doesn't care. By the FSM, you are going to jam, and it doesn't matter if nobody else wants to jam. It's not your fault they are driving so close to you! Or that your speakers have enough bass output to knock the Earth off its orbit. You just want to listen to your music, dammit! Because it is so damn cool! But guess what! Nobody wants to listen to your music, whether it is hardcore gansta rap or Kenny Rogers ballads. If they wanted to listen to it, they would have already bought the CD. Turn down your damn stereo. If you must listen to music so loud that it makes your ears bleed, at least do everyone else a favor and do it through a pair of headphones. That way, the only one to suffer hearing loss will be you. Also, no one likes your sub woofer. Get rid of it.
5: Get off your damn cell phone and drive. I don't care if you have a Bluetooth. You still can't concentrate on the road if you are on the damn phone. Whatever the hell you are talking about is not that important, believe me.
6: If you are in a lane that has a sign that says "Lane End in X Feet," please move over immediately. There is no reason to wait until the very last minute and then force your way into the other lane. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. On the other hand, if you are in a lane that another lane has to merge into, let cars merge. There is no reason to be a dick and block people. They can't help the fact that the lane is disappearing.
7: Always use your damn turn signal when you want to turn or change lanes. And remember to turn it off after you are done! No one wants to watch your turn signal blink blink blink blink forever.
8: When you are parking, don't try to squeeze into a spot that is too small for your car. There are probably plenty of spaces, even if some of them are a little further away. Oh well. You could probably use the exercise. Also, don't park in two spots. I know, you do that because you don't want someone to park next to you and scratch your car on accident. But you know what? Parking like that only encourages pissed off people to key your car. Also, when you are parking, if there are people behind you, don't pull forward and then attempt to back into the space. Yes, I know, it makes it easier for you to get out when you leave. But everyone who has to wait while you very slowly back into the spot is planning on beating you to death as soon as you get out of your car.
There are lots more tips I could offer, I'm sure, but this is already getting long enough, so I am going to close with the most relevant piece of advice. Basically, don't be a road douche. You are not the only driver out there. The definition of the road douche is someone who doesn't care about anyone else on the road. Don't do that. Please. Pay attention, drive safely, and turn down your goddamn music. Otherwise, I am going to have to shoot you with the roof-mounted rocket launchers on my grannymobile.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Run Away!
So I was at lunch yesterday with my family--the husband, the kid, the semi-psycho aunts--at the Cheesecake Factory. I don't much care for the food, but they have really good desserts there. I had a slice of Chocolate Ecstasy cake, and let me tell you, the name is entirely apropos. Chocolate cake, chocolate frosting, with raspberry filling. Yum.
So anyways, there we were, placing our order at the counter. I happened to be wearing this shirt (purchased from Jinx):
It is, obviously, the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the one from whom one should RUN AWAY!! But the people behind the counter had apparently never seen that movie, because I could hear them whispering about it. Finally, one of them asked me what it was, and I told her. But from the back, one of the Spanish speaking workers called out, "Estas el Chupacabra!"
That's right, a chupacabra. Which, if you've never heard of it before, is a contemporary mythical animal, like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. Chupacabra is a Spanish word meaning "goat sucker" because the chupacabra apparently likes to suck the blood out of livestock, especially goats.
Does that bunny look like a creature that would be happy sucking goat blood? No, I don't think so. It doesn't want the blood of livestock, it wants the blood of grown men who disturb it. Tim the Enchanter specifically says that it has nasty big pointy teeth and a vicious streak a mile wide. If I was a Killer Bunny, I would certainly not be content with the blood of animals. I would decapitate everyone who came within flying distance of me.
But, as we all know, I am kind of crazy. Still, my shirt was insulted. And one of these days, that woman is going to find herself confronted by a white rabbit with blood-stained fur. And then hopefully she will remember the advice on my shirt.
So anyways, there we were, placing our order at the counter. I happened to be wearing this shirt (purchased from Jinx):
It is, obviously, the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the one from whom one should RUN AWAY!! But the people behind the counter had apparently never seen that movie, because I could hear them whispering about it. Finally, one of them asked me what it was, and I told her. But from the back, one of the Spanish speaking workers called out, "Estas el Chupacabra!"
That's right, a chupacabra. Which, if you've never heard of it before, is a contemporary mythical animal, like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. Chupacabra is a Spanish word meaning "goat sucker" because the chupacabra apparently likes to suck the blood out of livestock, especially goats.
Does that bunny look like a creature that would be happy sucking goat blood? No, I don't think so. It doesn't want the blood of livestock, it wants the blood of grown men who disturb it. Tim the Enchanter specifically says that it has nasty big pointy teeth and a vicious streak a mile wide. If I was a Killer Bunny, I would certainly not be content with the blood of animals. I would decapitate everyone who came within flying distance of me.
But, as we all know, I am kind of crazy. Still, my shirt was insulted. And one of these days, that woman is going to find herself confronted by a white rabbit with blood-stained fur. And then hopefully she will remember the advice on my shirt.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
If This Was A Sport, I Would Definitely Watch The Olympics
You should definitely watch (and possibly enjoy) this video. Though I would not suggest watching it at work. I would say more, but I don't think it requires much explanation. If you would like more explanation, please visit DoubleX.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
That Time of the Month
Ahh, the period. The female menstrual cycle, not the punctuation mark. I am not going to say much on it at this time, though I may at a later date (like, one where I am dying of cramps and sobbing all over my keyboard) but I wanted to share this lovely illustration, which I found on The Frisky. I'm sure you women out there know exactly how this is. And men, study it carefully. Take notes. Imprint it on your corneas. It might help you survive one day.
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