Lord, Save Me From Your Followers

Hello, my minions. I hope you have all been doing wonderful things, like shoving old ladies in front of buses and stomping on federally protected frogs. But now it is time for another installment of "Everything In The World Bugs Me."

I had some funny stories I was going to tell you, like the one about how I insulted all the workers at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, by accidentally implying that they were all illegal immigrants. Or about how my daughter, looking at her baby book, started crying; when questioned as to why she was crying, she replied, "Because I was so cute!" Instead of these stories, though, I am going to tell you a much different one. About the horror I suffered through recently. A horror called: Attending One's Brother's High School Graduation Ceremony.

Yes, my youngest brother graduated from high school. Makes me feel kinda old, really, considering that I graduated 11 years ago, and I distinctly remember changing his diapers when he was a baby, and once dropping him on his head. But whatever. He's my brother, I love him, so of course I planned to attend the--dare I call them this--festivities. Even though the invitation, when it arrived in the mail, had my husband's name wrong on the envelope. And the ceremony was being held in a very far away evil place called Rio Rancho. That was all okay.

So I prepared. I took the day off work. I found a semi-appropriate outfit (gray slacks, black shirt, and--hey, I gotta be me--my totally rocking red Converse). I bought a card and stuffed a $20 in it. I printed a map and filled my gas tank, to be sure that I would reach my destination. And off I went.

I should have known it was going too well. The place where the ceremony was to be held, a big "center" where they have things like hockey games and Weird Al concerts, is veeeeery far away from my house, even though it is still considered as part of the same metro area. So it would have taken me at least 45 minutes to get there anyway. But of course, I got lost. And why shouldn't I? I never go up to Rio Rancho. There is nothing there that is worth that long ass drive. So I was all flustered and rushed by the time I arrived, with only 5 minutes to spare.

I really hate feeling flustered and rushed. But yesterday, I barely had any time to notice that, because almost as soon as I sat down, the graduates started filling in. All 250+ of them. So that took a while. And then all the teachers and administrators and priests and whatnot.

Yes, priests. Because my poor brother, like every one of us siblings, was subjected to a Catholic education. And, if I may say so (and of course I can), a Catholic education totally sucks ass. Not the school or the classes or anything, but the fact that one, you have to wear a uniform (which in my case consisted of a skirt--a skirt!! I NEVER wear skirts if I can help it--and a polo shirt), two, you have to go to church at school, all the freaking time, and three, my school was all girls. Which TOTALLY blew. But anyways.

So there we were, watching everyone walk in. And then we had to rise to pray. And then we sat back down. And then we had to get up to pray again. And then to sing a holy song. And then there was some more prayer. And then, the absolute highlight of the ceremony--the keynote speech, given by the archbishop. Yay! I was prepared for some boring drivel, something about hoping and praying the graduates go out to lead good Christian lives, blah blah blah. What we got was much different.

Apparently, the archbishop is on a crusade against: THE UNBELIEVERS. Yes. That is what the entire speech, all 20 minutes of it, was about: the evils of atheism and how the archbishop really really really hoped that none of the graduates would be seduced by the wonderful-seeming atheist life, only to discover that it is horrible and unfulfilling and makes you very sad.

Well, hell. Not only did I find that speech boring, but insulting as well. Now, I don't know that I would completely consider myself an atheist--I am not going to discount the possibility that there is SOMETHING out there. However, I can say with complete assurance that that something is not named Yahweh or God. I also know that it does not give a shit whether I eat meat on Fridays or masturbate or drink alcohol, or anything of the other myriad things that various religions forbid their followers from doing. To me, religions are not about divine power, they are about the earthly power being wielded by their leaders. As far as I am concerned, as long as you follow the golden rule--Do unto others as you would have them do unto you--you're good. Anything else is ridiculous.

So anyways. The archbishop went on and on about the horrors ultimately experienced by atheists, about how it might seem nice to sleep late on Sunday mornings rather than getting up and going to church, but that eventually atheist will become lonely and friendless and lose all their teeth and die alone in their apartment and then get eaten by their pet cats. Or something. He also decried Christopher Hitchens' book God Is Not Great, which I had just finished reading the week before and thought was fascinating and very true.

And then he said something to the effect of "And atheists become murderers and child rapists."

My response to that, of course, was, "Um, I thought that was the priests in your church?"

Anyways. So you can see how much fun I had. The rest of the ceremony was pretty standard, except for the praying. And then, it was finally OVER!! I would have thanked God, if only I believed in him.

I Really Really Heart Star Trek

Star Trek absolutely fucking rocked!!!

Before you get any further, let me put a SPOILER ALERT here. Don't read the rest if you don't want to know what happens!

Now, onwards!

So it was really cool. It was exciting, funny, sad, finger-clenching cool. The two hours passed in the blink of an eye, and I would have happily sat through a much longer movie. There were great action sequences--Kirk and Spock kicking each others' asses on the the bridge of the Enterprise; Kirk, Sulu and a redshirt parachuting--from space!--down to a platform, where Sulu then engages in a kickass sword fight with a folding sword; the very beginning of the movie, involving the destruction of the USS Kelvin. There were lots of really funny parts, especially for Trekkies, who would understand the underlying humor in McCoy calling Spock a greenblooded hobgoblin, or telling him that he's out of his Vulcan mind. It was sad--Kirk's father died in the first 10 minutes of the movie, fighting the bad guys (evil Romulans with funky tattoos on their faces) so that his crew and his wife (giving birth in the shuttle to James Tiberius Kirk) could escape. Of course that made me cry. And then later, Vulcan was destroyed (let me repeat that: VULCAN WAS DESTROYED!!!!) and Amanda, Spock's mother, was one of the casualties.

So it was great. The plot device (the aforementioned evil time traveling Romulan changing the course of the future by going into the past) allowed the film to be true to the spirit of the the original Star Trek without having to slavishly follow its canon. And, though I was skeptical about that, it worked great. It was especially moving when young Kirk met old Spock from the future, who had been brought back in time by the Romulan.

I did have one issue. Kirk was supposed to have an older brother, George Samuel Kirk Jr, who died in the the original series episode "Operation: Annihilate!" But in the movie, there was no mention of Sam in the movie, not even a throwaway line saying that he was on another planet or anything. But that was my only quibble with the movie, and it is relatively minor.

There was a few people that I saw in costume. I, of course, was wearing my ears. They looked great! (Not really, but that's okay, they were fun to wear.)

So basically, Star Trek was super cool. You should go, immediately. Drop everything and head to the theatre right this minute!

I Heart Star Trek

So I was really excited the other day, when I got home and found my ears in the mailbox.

Not my real ears, of course. Those are firmly attached to the sides of my head, where they perform the vital functions of allowing me to hear, holding up my sunglasses, and providing a high speed expressway into my skull for bugs. No, no, I am talking about my Spock ears. Yes, I ordered some Spock ears online last week, and they finally arrived. I ordered them because I intend to wear them on Friday, when I go see the new Star Trek movie (cleverly named Star Trek). Because that is how I roll.

Yes, I love Star Trek. Unlike those people who feel uncomfortable with the name and prefer “Trekker,” I am a full fledged Trekkie, and proud of it. To me, saying that you are a “Trekker” is just a way of saying that you are ashamed of your love of Star Trek and trying to hide it behind a veneer of self deprecation. Whereas a Trekkie proudly embraces her geekness.

Yes, that is me. I am a geek. I know it, I accept it, I love it. I have the entire original Star Trek on DVD, as well as all the movies. I can quote lines from them. I own tons of Star Trek novels and dolls (or “action figures”). I have a Star Trek tattoo, for FSM’s sake.

I know some people wonder what the big deal is. What is it about this 40+ year old TV show that inspires such a devoted following? After all, you don't see people going to Green Acres conventions, or buying Gunsmoke action figures. What is it about Star Trek that makes it so special?

I can't answer for anyone else, of course, but I love it for several reasons. First off, is the simple quality of the shows. A terrible Star Trek episode (and there are many--yes, I am talking to you, "Spock's Brain"!) is much better than a good episode of a lot of the crap that is on TV. The stories are interesting, and the writing and acting are usually pretty good.

Secondly, the characters are just so perfect. They are real people, with insecurities and faults and wonderfully deep emotions. The arrogant, confident, swaggering captain, who cares for each member of his crew and will do everything in his power to keep them safe. The coolly, relentlessly logical science-answer-man, who nonetheless has a deep core of affection for his human friends. The self doubting doctor, who somehow always manages to find the answers and save the day. And then there is their interaction, as friends and crewmates. When Kirk risks his career to save Spock's life, I think we can all identify with that. We all hope we would have a friend that cared enough about us to do that. And though Spock and McCoy fight all the time, you know that underneath, they really care for each other.

I think the most attractive element of the show, though, is the wonderful vision of the future that it presents. Lots of science fiction shows a dystopian future: the planet ruined, humanity destroyed by war or disease or environmental catastrophe. Even the ones that look really nice usually have a rotten core, with evil dictators or mind-control or mad robots behind the scenes. Basically, the future never looks like someplace you would want to live. And then along comes Star Trek. In that future, humanity, instead of destroying itself with some sort of doomsday weapon, has become united. People are no longer judged by their race or sex, or hell, even by their species (Vulcans are people too, you know). Poverty and war and disease have been erased from Earth. And people flourish, spreading into space, exploring, ever onward. As Tennyson says in "Ulysses": "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

So that is why I love Star Trek. And that is why I took off work Friday afternoon, to go see the new movie. I already have my tickets. And I've got my Spock ears, and a Star Trek themed shirt to wear. And I will be there, all geeked out and proud of it. I hope I'll see you there!

Think Before You Click

Ahh, my friends. You know I love you. I love to talk to you, I love to laugh with you, and I love to get emails from you. But, please, before you forward me any more emails, let's set a few ground rules.

Most importantly: I like funny. Funny is good. Not funny is not good. Do you understand where I am going with this? I like it when you send me jokes. Jokes are great! Everyone loves to laugh! But when you send me not-jokes, it makes me sad. Like, cry-and-wear-sackcloth-and-ashes sad. So keep that in mind before you hit the "Forward" button, okay?

Secondly: I am a registered Democrat. I have been a Democrat since I was old enough to understand what the parties stood for. You are not going to change my mind. So you can stop sending me emails about how Obama genetically engineered swine flu to kill off conservatives, or quotes by Rush "Idiot" Limbaugh, or pictures of soldiers with captions about how they are saving the country. And those emails that end with "Forward this unless you are a coward!" do not make me want to forward them. They make me want to delete them. They make me want to go back in time so I can have never even read them in the first place. On the other hand, I also do not want my inbox flooded with petitions for Democratic causes, or articles from The Nation. Basically, let's keep the email politics free. Unless it's a really funny joke. I am fully in favor of political jokes. Even about Democrats. I am an equal opportunity laugher.

On a somewhat related note (though I wish it weren't) I am also not interested in religious emails. I do not believe in angels (especially not ones that promise you money), and no amount of email is going to convince me otherwise. I do not pray, not even for the troops, or poor cancer stricken children, or little lost dogs. I do not read the Bible, and sending me quotes from it is not going to make me curious enough to pick it up. I've already done so. It was boring. Shakespeare is much more interesting. Also, Star Trek. I do not believe in the Judeo-Christian god. I am a Pastafarian who worships the Noodly Appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you want to send me stuff about the FSM, that is fine. Just don't ask me to pray to him.

Also, though I love you very much, I don't want to read emails about how we are sisters or how you are sending me a rose, unless I fail to send the email back to you within 10 minutes, in which case you are never speaking to me again.

I do not want pictures of cute animals/cute babies/sunsets/flowers/wildlife, etc. Unless the picture is accompanied by a great funny caption (see I Can Has Cheezburger for examples of this.) I especially do not want those cutesy pictures if they are accompanied by Bibles verses, or sayings about god's love, or any of that stuff.

Do not send me warnings for scary things without first checking them with Snopes. Most likely, they are not true, and you could save everyone some time and worry if you check before you send. There is no point is passing on unfounded hysteria!

Please, please, please, please, before you send the email, delete all the excess junk from the top and bottom of it. I do not need to see the addresses of all 3000 people who were sent this email previously, along with their commentary on how "this is a great one!". I do not need to see all the ads and confidentiality notices at the bottom. Just delete all that junk and only send along the meat of the email.

Do not believe everything you read. Just because an email says that if you forward it to 10 people, you will get a million dollars, or a cute little animation will pop up, or some company will donate money to poor cancer stricken children, does not mean it is true. In fact, it is almost certainly not true. But who does it hurt? you might ask. Me, that's who. Too much junk in her inbox makes Panda Loca a dull boy.

In fact, too much anything in an inbox is not a good thing. So don't send ginormous attachments. They will probably just get deleted for clogging up my inbox.

So, in conclusion, here is a simple rule of thumb. Before you hit "Forward" think about your reaction to the email in question. If it made you say "aww, how cute!" or tear up, or want to pray, or get very worried, do not forward it. If, however, it made you laugh, or say "what the fuck is that?" please, send it along. Remember: funny is good, not-funny is bad. Jokes, funny pictures, hilarious videos...all great. Prayers, pictures of impossibly cute babies or animals, chain letters...not good at all.

And yes, I know, the tone of this post is a little angry, but please don't take that to heart. Unless you are one of the email abusers. Then, please remember that when I take over the world, I will be the one deciding your fate. I'm sure you don't want to piss me off, right? I didn't think so. So think before you click!