Good or Bad?

Hello, all my little flying monkeys! So glad to see you again, I hope you are doing well! I have missed you so much since the last time we spoke!

Okay, enough of that crap.

Today, we are going to talk about things that should be good, but turn out not to be, for various reasons, illustrated by two examples from my own recent life.

The first example is ice cream. Now, I love ice cream. It is one of the best inventions ever, right behind hot showers, Coca-Cola, and vibrators. But the other day, I discovered how ice cream can be bad. The Dark Side of Ice Cream, if you will. This is what happened: There was an ice cream sale at work, so of course, I went to buy something. The ice cream was in a little electric-powered freezer. There were fudgesicles, which looked awfully appetizing, so I got one. Went back to my desk, unwrapped my fudgesicle, popped it in my mouth...and discovered that the freezer was apparently set too cold. Have you ever stuck your tongue on a freezing pole in winter, and it gets stuck, and you have to rip the skin (or whatever it is) off your tongue to get free? Well, that is exactly what it was like, only chocolate flavored. And it wasn't just my tongue, but my lips, too. Once I got free and began to actually eat my ice cream (after I let it melt a little, just to be sure we wouldn't have a repeat of the tongue-ripping) I began to see little red streaks against the brown of the chocolate. Yes, it was blood. A nice bloody, chocolate ice cream bar. Yum.

My second example of good things gone bad comes from this weekend. My husband and I actually had an overnight babysitter for our daughter, something that hasn't happened in more than a month, so we decided to take advantage of it by going to the movies. And, since the house would be kid-free, I figured we would have some adult-oriented extracurricular activities when we got home, so I decided to dress cute. Make up, jewelry, low-cut shirt, sparkly silver shoes, the works. So that was great, I looked hot, everything was fine...until I was standing in line at the concession stand at the theatre, trying to get some popcorn. I was next in line, behind an old man who told the popcorn worker that he wanted "new popcorn, and make sure you stuff it in good." That right there should have warned me. But there I stood, waiting patiently, watching the popcorn, when the old man turned to me, looked me up and down, and said, "Nice shoes." I turned to him, eyebrow raised, and said, "Thanks," and then turned away. A clear "Don't talk to me anymore" signal, if every I've heard of one. But he was not deterred. He moved so he could see my face again, looked down at my cleavage, and said "Nice shirt!" with a dirty-old-man smile on his face. Needless to say, I didn't thank him this time. I gave him a dirty look and proceeded to ignore him, my sexiness ruined.

So we see that even things we think of as good can be bad, under the right circumstances. The lessons I have learned from these two situations are, 1) let your ice cream melt a little before you stick it in your mouth, and 2) carry pepper spray to get rid of nasty old men that are looking down your shirt.

That She Is Mad 'Tis True; 'Tis True, 'Tis Pity; And Pity 'Tis 'Tis True

Today, we are going to talk about a very troublesome issue that is plaguing the world today: discrimination. Discrimination is wrong. I know this because of the countless public service announcements I was forced to watch by the U.S. government while growing up.

See, I grew up as an Army brat, in Germany, and we didn't have real TV over there. Some kids were lucky and their parents sprang for satellite TV from England, but my parents were cheapskates, so the only TV I ever got to watch was the military channel, AFN (Armed Forces Network...get it?). In case you've never had the pleasure of being brainwashed by the government, let me tell you, that is some whacked shit. There was only the one channel, and they tried to appeal to everyone, so there was usually nothing good on, and when there was a good show, it was like two years behind what was being shown in the States. When I moved back here from Germany, I had no idea what was going on in my favorite shows, because I had lost several seasons, just by crossing the Atlantic. It was horrible. I missed the last two seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation! Damn you, AFN!

But that's not even the worst. AFN didn't show commercials. Now, when you've seen the fourth commercial in a row where those idiots are shouting about how great their cars are, or one of those "As Seen On TV" products that always look so cool but never seem to work as advertised, you may not think that is a bad thing. Let me assure you, it is. Because to replace the commercials, AFN showed public service announcements. All the time. And they weren't just any public service announcements, like the ones you might see here, about not smoking, or not drinking and driving, or using drugs. No, they had PSA's about everything, from how to not attract terrorist attention (get a license plate issued by your host country, instead of an American one) to what kind of flowers you should take your hostess if you are invited to dinner by a native of whatever country you are currently in (Definitely don't take roses in Turkey. That means you love her! Take daisies instead). PSA's that are still stuck in my head, 15 years later, some including full songs, include:

• a jazz song about not smoking, sung by a woman in a slinky red dress, that goes "It makes your teeth turn yellow, it makes your lungs turn black! A pack-a-day habit only makes you cough and hack! Smoking...makes a fool out of...you!"
• how to ride a motorcycle double (by leaning with the driver, and taking extra time to stop!)
• snippets of poetry by Edgar Allan Poe (don't ask me why)
• the Military Code of Conduct and how if you are captured by the enemy, don't give anything but your name, rank, service number, and date of birth
• a great many bits of American history, which were part of a series called "Shaping America." When each one of those started, a map of the U.S. made out of stone or something would appear on the screen, and a man's hand with a chisel would come and chip away a bit of the stone and there would be a sonorous donging sound, like the map was a giant bell

(And people wonder why I'm warped. Well, this explains it. And if you don't believe me, please do a search on YouTube for AFN commercials. You'll see.)

Well, many of these PSA's were also about things like sexual harassment, or racism. Which (if you still remember my original point) is how I learned that discrimination is wrong. I bring this up today because I often feel discriminated against, due to a medical condition.

The medical condition is called Bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known as mad cow diease. And no, I do not have mad cow disease. But because I used to live in Europe, I may have been exposed to it, and so I am not allowed to donate blood. Not that I really want to donate blood (I really like my blood inside my body, not dripping down a tube into a bag) but I kind of feel obligated to do so. But the one time I actually made it into the Bloodmobile, as soon as they took my history, they kicked me out. I didn't even get a juice and cookie! Those Red Cross bastards.

And so, ever since then, every time I see a Bloodmobile or a PSA (damn those PSA's!) about donating blood, I feel discrimated against. Why can't I be a hero in a red cape? I would make a good hero! I would fly around blowing bad guys up and flourishing my cape, and everyone would be happy. I think if I was going to develop mad cow, it would have happened already. (And yes, plenty of my friends would say that I am already a mad cow. They would also say that I am a crazy bitch, but that is not my point.)

So today I am depressed, due to my mad cow tendencies. If you happen to see me on the street, please come over and give me a smile, a hug, a friendly pat on the back. Just, please, whatever you do, don't give me roses. At least not in Turkey.