Driver's Ed Apparently Didn't Work

Pop quiz! Imagine the following scenario: You are in your car, on a small side road that meets a large main street on the diagonal. Right next to you, on both sides of the road, is a big red and white sign that says "YIELD." On the large street, in the lane that you will drive into when you hit the gas pedal, there is a car going around 50 mph. What do you do next? A) Stay where you are until the car has passed, like the yield sign says, and take the opportunity to pull out your cell phone and start texting? B) Pull into the street, but go wide so that you are not in the same lane as the moving car? Or C) Pull out, into the lane in front of the moving car, and then immediately hit your brake so that you can make a right hand turn, almost causing the car behind you (the one going 50 mph) to ram into you?

If you picked A or B, congratulations, you may be a decent driver. If you picked C, I'm sorry, but you are going to die as soon as I get my hands on an automatic rifle. I absolutely hate people who cannot drive. Every day, when I am on the road, I see some great display of stupidity that makes me fantasize about having a rocket launcher mounted on top of my car, so that I can blow these people up and spare the world from having to deal with them. And at my job, I see people's traffic tickets all the time; tickets for having 6 kids in the back of a sedan, all with no seat belt; for driving the wrong way on the freeway; for being so drunk that they crash into a parked car...twice! I actually see this stuff. And these people are actually allowed to walk around free, to use our precious natural resources, to reproduce? I am so killing them all when I take over the world.

In the meantime, here are some more indications that you deserve to die. Do you:

• Change lanes without using your turn signal?
• Speed in a dangerous manner, tailgating the people you can't pass until they are just so desperate to get away from you that they change lanes or swerve onto the shoulder?
• Run red lights/stop signs/yield signs?
• Listen to really loud, bad music, the kind that makes other people's hearts feel like they are going to explode in their chests?
• Talk/text on your cell phone and not pay attention to driving?
• Drive reeeeeeeeeally slow in the fast lane, making the other drivers insane with frustration, especially if they are unable to pass you?
• Drive a semi truck?
• Have one of those bumper stickers that says something like "Jesus loves me" and then drive like a total dick? If Jesus had ever driven, I'm sure he would have been a perfect driver, so if you want to live as a christian, you really should do better.
• Weave your motorcycle between the cars on the road, as if you were invisibile, or invulnerable? That's one reason everybody hates motorcyclists, because they mostly drive like dicks. When I see one doing that, I am always tempted to open my car door, or just swerve a little and hit him.
• Pass people on the shoulder of the freeway if there is no other way to get around them and they are not driving fast enough for you?

I'm sure more examples of bad drivers that should die will occur to me later, when I am driving home, getting cut off by scooters going 80 mph and being tailgated by giant semis that could just roll right over me if I hit the brakes. I just love driving!

Why do people insist on talking to me?

There is entirely too much human interaction in the world. If we lived in some Utopian society, where everyone was smart and pleasant and clean, that would be fine, but since we live in the real world, it's a major problem, at least for me, since I can't stand at least 90% of the people on this planet (and the other 10% can be on shaky ground sometimes). I am reminded of this every time I venture out of my house, and sometimes even when I don't, like when the Jehovah's Witnesses come knocking. The last time they came by, I answered the door in my nightgown (since it was only like 11 a.m., those bastards) and when they started in on their pitch about "freedom from fear" or some other such crap, I told them I was not interested in religion and slammed the door in their faces. (I have also used the "Sorry, I'm a satanist/witch/pagan" excuse on people intent on saving my soul. For some reason, those seem to work great. Guess they aren't that concerned about saving me from everlasting damnation.) Ahh, good times.

So I am seriously opposed to unnecessary interaction with strangers. And I really can't stand when people force their cheerfulness and/or loneliness on me by talking to me in public. This is a list of places where I do not want to be talked to:

• At the store. The only acceptable stranger conversation at the store is a perfunctory "excuse me" as I try to move around some idiot who has the whole aisle blocked, or is letting their stupid kid roller skate in the store. I hate those damn kids with their damn roller shoes. I want to trip them. And I really hate people who try to talk to me in line. If I don't already know you, I don't want to talk to you.
• In a public bathroom. Even friends and acquaintances should shut up there. I hate listening to someone talk while I am trying to pee. Talking while washing hands is okay, though.
• On public transportation. I don't even take public transportation, but if I did, I would not want someone disturbing my ride with their inane natterings. Riding the bus would be miserable enough, without that.
• Panhandlers. I know this is not quite the same category, but I hate panhandlers, especially the ones that approach you in dark parking lots, asking for spare change. I always feel like throwing rotten eggs at them.

There are also a lot of specific people that I don't like to be around, because they will inevitably talk to me. These include the man who sells hot dogs outside my work (he always wants to say hi, but he's creepy and I don't want to talk to him) the security guards inside my work (they are just annoying, and some of the men try to stare at my tits, so I don't really feel like saying good morning to them) and the greeters at Walmart. Honestly, why do I need some old man saying hi to me when I walk into a store? And this, this takes the cake. I sit right next to the elevator at work. So, all day, people are standing by my desk, waiting for the elevator. And what do most of them do (aside from pushing the elevator button multiple times, as if that will make it come any faster)? That's right...they talk to me! As if I wanted to listen to their stupid stories and random cortical firings! One old man (this is totally true, I swear) spent at least 5 minutes telling me about how in Hawaii, people are so into recycling aluminum, that they will steal the lamp posts to recycle them for money. Do I really need that? Especially when I am trying to finish my monkey work! I really need to put a sign up that says "Do not talk to bitch." Wonder if that would help. Probably not. I wish I could build a wall over my cubicle, so that I could not see the elevator. My life would be a whole lot more peaceful then. I cannot wait until I can kill a large percentage of the world population.