So I was in a pretty good mood this morning. It's Thursday, which is nice. My kid has been sick, but she was feeling better today. The weather is warming up. I have a really good lunch (turkey and provolone on a hard roll, some Lay's potato chips, a Coke). All in all, I felt it was going to be a pretty good day.
And then I got to work and discovered a fucking booger on my sweater.
At least, that's what I assume it is. It's a brownish smear, about the size of a dime, on the back left shoulder of the sweater that I leave hung on my chair. More importantly, it wasn't there when I left work yesterday. Which means someone put it there after I left. Using my deductive reasoning skills, I can only assume that that "someone" was one of the cleaning people.
I really hate the cleaning people who work in my building. To begin with, I don't think they actually clean anything. Well, I guess they must scrub the toilets and stuff, though I have never actually seen them do that. For all I know, the toilets get cleaned by magic elves at night. But for argument's sake, I guess we can say it's done by the cleaning people. And sometimes they vacuum. Though not well. I have found old pieces of popcorn under my desk weeks after dropping them. And right now I can see a cherry pit that was dropped probably a year ago, and it's still sitting there on the floor, laughing at me. But, though I sometimes find pieces of feathers on my desk, they never actually dust. So the quality of the "cleaning" is suspect to begin with.
Then there is the fact that the entire cleaning staff seems to be comprised of practical jokers. There have been multiple occasions when we have gotten to work and all found our desks messed with: computer monitors turned backwards, supplies and knickknacks rearranged, and chairs lowered or raised. I have even had things on my desk broken. I don't know if the cleaning people think that fucking with our stuff is part of cleaning, or they are just having fun, getting back at the evil people that make them vacuum up cherry pits, since they are only here at night when there is no one to watch them.
But this...this is too much. A booger, stuck to my sweater. A booger! And not just a little one, but a big gloppy brown one. It looks like the dad booger from those Mucinex commercials, complete with fedora and wife-beater. Makes me want to gag. Plus, it had to have been done on purpose. I mean, if they accidentally cut their hand and some blood dripped onto my sweater, I could understand that. It's an accident. Gross, but an accident. But there is no way on earth that this huge booger accidentally got onto my sweater.
Speaking of my sweater, I, obviously, can never wear it again. So now I am freezing, because the air conditioner in this place is always on high and I sit right under a vent. I have a hoodie in my bag, but hoodies are against the dress code. I am thinking of risking it, though, because I am cold. And if one of my bosses says something, I will just wave the booger in their faces.
I totally cannot conceive of this. How does a sane, rational, semi-intelligent adult rub a booger onto another person's possessions? Hell, even my 6 year old knows better than that! She might eat her boogers, but she never wiped them on anything, especially something that didn't belong to her. So I am sitting here at my desk, totally flabbergasted, and suffering from Post Booger Stress Disorder. I am going to need counseling to get over this trauma.
So now I am trying to think of ways to get back at the cleaning people. Something creative, yet revolting. Ideas so far include throwing up all over my desk just before I leave for the day, so that they have to clean it, or leaving a used tampon on the desk. Both of those are excellent, I think. But I am still thinking about it. I wish I could get a hold of some anthrax. I would spread it all over my desk just before I left for the day. That would be a great revenge! But I will probably have to settle for throwing lots of crumbs on the floor and then getting those bastards in trouble when they don't vacuum them up.
Man, I hate people. And boogers are disgusting.
