So perhaps some of you little minions have decided to watch the Olympics. Perhaps you are fools. Because, honestly, the Olympics rank right up there, for entertainment value, with do-it-yourself liposuction. (Actually, though I do not think it would be fun to perform do-it-yourself liposuction, it could be very amusing to watch. That could be the newest reality show! I Suck...My Own Fat! And sometimes they would make mistakes like accidentally sucking out their kidneys and die. Imagine the ratings!)
But anyways, as you have no doubt guessed, I have a very low opinion of the Olympics. It's not just the Olympics, though, it's all sports. I think sports are very stupid. I have no problem with people playing them for fun, or for exercise, or (primarily in bowling leagues) as an excuse to get drunk in the guise of doing something productive. But high school and college sports? Utterly ridiculous. People are there to learn, not to run around playing games.
And professional sports are even dumber. Why do athletes get paid multi-millons of dollars to run around with little balls (and yes, that double entendre was intended) while important people, like teachers, are lucky to scrape by? It's all very wrong and backwards and an indication of how stupid our priorities are. Why do we care so much about these stupid little games? Why are the people who play them worshipped, called heroes? Ooh, you can throw a ball really fast! That makes you a very good, heroic person who deserves the adulation of millions! Idiotic.
So when people start making big deals out of sports, I think it is very stupid. And the Olympics are just the epitome of stupidity. I mean, really. Let's say there was some sort of international reading competition. Would millions of people fly halfway around the world to watch it, and billions more watch it on TV? Of course not. Everyone would think it was very lame. But if it involves running or swimming or throwing, well then, that makes it okay!
And don't get me started on the so-called "sports" that they show there. Competitive badminton? Curling? Shooting? Someone please explain to me how shooting is a sport. You point the gun and pull the trigger. It's just like playing Duckhunt on your original Nintendo. So if shooting is a sport, then Duckhunt should be too. Arguably, Duckhunt would be more of an actual sport, because I bet when you shoot in the Olympics, you don't have some evil little dog snickering at you when you miss. And then you can't even shoot that little bastard dog. I always wanted to shoot him.
But anyways, this is why I have always thought of sports as stupid. Yes, people should exercise and have fun, and that's great. But when people's entire lives revolve around playing--or worse, watching someone play--a game...someone needs some serious professional help. Fantasy football, children named after sports teams, riots over soccer matches...can you people not see the insanity?
This is why, when I take over the world, all sports will be banned on the professional level. Sure, you can be an athlete, but you will also have to have a real, productive job that makes you an actual productive member of society, as opposed to a leech, which is what professional athletes are. The only authorized sport will be Ninja Warrior. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out on G4 network...waaaaaay better than the Olympics.)
So those are my thoughts on the Olympics. Please feel free to watch them if you must. But just remember, if you do, you're stupid.
Oh, and a little postscript about our last guest post. A person who shall remain nameless has requested that I make it very clear that it was not him picking his nose and eating the boogers, and he doesn't want you to think so just because he has an iPod like the booger eater. Just because one booger eater has an iPod doesn't mean all iPod users are booger eaters! Just FYI!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
And The Winner Is...
.Well! I must say, I am very offended! Whichever one of you minions won my contest didn't bother to post a reply, thereby leaving all of us in suspense as we waited for someone, anyone, to come forward and claim the ultimate prize of writing wonderful things about me! And so, since the winner did not reply, I have appointed a winner. So, today we will read a guest post by Pure Poison:
Mysterious #111...this person who will remain nameless and therefore pretty much anonymous failed to enter in their praise and glory of our fearless yet evil future priestess of world-domination. Therefore, with bruised and battered shoulders, I shall carry the burden alone of submitting my own rambling and incohesive rant.
Now this opens the door to endless possibilities, but let's stay on the subject of creepy men, since we've all encountered one from time to time, or in some cases on a daily basis. Now you expect this to come from your toddler...toddlers, as most of us had experiences, have little to no problem in sticking the unknown into their mouths from time to time. We've all caught them exploring for those golden nostril nuggets and, to our disgust, proceeding to taste-test this gooey,sticky substance.
Fast forward to present day...you're sitting in your cube, eyes dropping and head beginning to nod down, then back up. As you wipe the sleepiness from your eyes, you look at your surroundings and catch a glimpse of the creepy dude in the cube next to yours. You notice that the hip of his finger had become lodges in his nose. You begin to wonder...is his brain leaking out? Does he get better reception from his iPod this way? But before you have a chance to look away, he removes his finger and proceeds to dine on the new-found delicacy on his fingertip.
You try to suppress the gagging noises coming from your throat as you race down the hallway. The moment becomes surreal and you begin to question your own sanity. Now, you knew the creepy dude in the next cube was a little odd, but you tried to ignore his peculiarities. But this is just too much. Certainly your boss wouldn't expect you to work under these conditions. Creepy dudes should be locked behind closed doors where no one can see them. Or at least behind 2 foot thick glass so that those who desire can observe from afar. Coincidentally, there is an office that resembles a glass-enclosed monkey cage. You pity those poor souls that have to work in there. You feel like throwing peanuts as you walk by. They look so defeated in that little room.
As you continue to walk around, you soon realize that you can't walk the hallways forever. You know your boss will not be sympathetic to your plight. So, reluctantly, with eyes averted, you trudge back to your own cube, realizing that you have to spend the rest of your days next to the booger-eater. Gross!
Wonderful post, Pure Poison! (and I won't even point out that the initials for "pure poison" are "PP." Like...pee pee! Ha! Yes, I am being juvenile. Who gives a shit?) So now, minions, do you see what you missed out on? The opportunity to tell the whole world about the things that you hate, the things that bug the crap out of you, the people you long to kill? But Pure Poison took advantage of it, in true Temple of Boredom fashion! And so, today (and today only) you must worship her as you would worship me! All hail Pure Poison!
Okay, now shut up, Pure Poison. This is my little world, after all.
Mysterious #111...this person who will remain nameless and therefore pretty much anonymous failed to enter in their praise and glory of our fearless yet evil future priestess of world-domination. Therefore, with bruised and battered shoulders, I shall carry the burden alone of submitting my own rambling and incohesive rant.
Now this opens the door to endless possibilities, but let's stay on the subject of creepy men, since we've all encountered one from time to time, or in some cases on a daily basis. Now you expect this to come from your toddler...toddlers, as most of us had experiences, have little to no problem in sticking the unknown into their mouths from time to time. We've all caught them exploring for those golden nostril nuggets and, to our disgust, proceeding to taste-test this gooey,sticky substance.
Fast forward to present day...you're sitting in your cube, eyes dropping and head beginning to nod down, then back up. As you wipe the sleepiness from your eyes, you look at your surroundings and catch a glimpse of the creepy dude in the cube next to yours. You notice that the hip of his finger had become lodges in his nose. You begin to wonder...is his brain leaking out? Does he get better reception from his iPod this way? But before you have a chance to look away, he removes his finger and proceeds to dine on the new-found delicacy on his fingertip.
You try to suppress the gagging noises coming from your throat as you race down the hallway. The moment becomes surreal and you begin to question your own sanity. Now, you knew the creepy dude in the next cube was a little odd, but you tried to ignore his peculiarities. But this is just too much. Certainly your boss wouldn't expect you to work under these conditions. Creepy dudes should be locked behind closed doors where no one can see them. Or at least behind 2 foot thick glass so that those who desire can observe from afar. Coincidentally, there is an office that resembles a glass-enclosed monkey cage. You pity those poor souls that have to work in there. You feel like throwing peanuts as you walk by. They look so defeated in that little room.
As you continue to walk around, you soon realize that you can't walk the hallways forever. You know your boss will not be sympathetic to your plight. So, reluctantly, with eyes averted, you trudge back to your own cube, realizing that you have to spend the rest of your days next to the booger-eater. Gross!
Wonderful post, Pure Poison! (and I won't even point out that the initials for "pure poison" are "PP." Like...pee pee! Ha! Yes, I am being juvenile. Who gives a shit?) So now, minions, do you see what you missed out on? The opportunity to tell the whole world about the things that you hate, the things that bug the crap out of you, the people you long to kill? But Pure Poison took advantage of it, in true Temple of Boredom fashion! And so, today (and today only) you must worship her as you would worship me! All hail Pure Poison!
Okay, now shut up, Pure Poison. This is my little world, after all.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Longwinded Rambling
Hello, all of my loyal minions! I am so sorry that I have been neglecting you lately. I know, I know, you have been crying into your oatmeal without me, but I am here now, so rejoice! And, by the way, you should really think about not eating oatmeal anymore, because it is disgusting.
So anyways, I know I have mentioned my computer access problems before, what with my husband who is surgically attached to the computer. But today, I managed to get on the computer, because I sent him to the store. (With instructions to buy pads. I think that is one of the perks of being a woman, is sending your husband/boyfriend to the store and telling him to buy pads/tampons. It's so much fun embarrassing them like that!)
Today, I have several things that I want to tell you about, but first, I am announcing a Temple of Boredom contest! (Insert loud cheering, falling confetti, and fireworks here.) If you happen to go all the way to the bottom of the page, you will notice that there is a page hit counter there (under the cute picture of the evil kitty). Now, it took me a while to install that counter (I am not the most computer savvy individual, though I do know how to look up porn online) but since it was put on the page, I have had 106 hits (as of 6:09 p.m. today). So, this is our contest. Whichever one of you little minions is hit number 111 (because one and one and one is three) will win the grand prize of...making a guest post to the Temple of Boredom! So, if you are #111, add a comment below this post, and you will get to post about anything you want: how much you love being my minion, how much you wish you could be like me, how you are going to worship me after I take over the world...the possibilities are endless! So make sure you check the hit counter.
Now, on to today's amusing anecdote. It concerns a very scary, very weird, very annoying man that I have the misfortune of working with. It wouldn't be so bad, because he doesn't work in my department, but he works in IT, which means he is always coming downstairs and wandering around for hours, which gives him the perfect opportunity to stare down all the girls' shirts. Because, you've guessed it, he is a giant perv. One night, a friend and I had gone to the bar, and we were just hanging out, having a couple of quiet drinks, when Creepy Man pops out of nowhere and decides to sit at our table. Since we didn't want to appear rude, we let him. Then, he started buying drinks for my friend but not for me. How rude is that! I may be married and there is no way in hell I would sleep with him even if I wasn't, but he could still have bought me a drink! So after a while, we got sick of him, and told him that we were "going to the bathroom." Then we found another table and continued our nice night...until he hunted us down and sat with us again! Ugh. So we left after that. But not before he asked us to drive him home! I would have, if I could have thought of an excuse for strapping him into the carseat in the back seat and driving the car into the river.
So, as you can see, this guy is a creepy freaky pervish man, and I really hate talking to him. Every time he is waiting for the elevator, I get on the phone, just so I have an excuse not to talk to him. Because he scares me.
So anyways, the other day, I was standing across the street from work, waiting for the light to change so I could walk across. A bus passed in front of me, and I could see my reflection in the windows. And suddenly, I felt like I was in a horror movie. You know, in horror movies, how there is usually a part where the idiot hero/heroine looks in a mirror or window, and you see their reflection, but also the reflection of whatever evil person/creature/monster is chasing them? Well, that is exactly what happened. Right behind me, maybe 3 feet away, appeared...Creepy Man! I could hear the screeching violins from the Psycho shower scene playing in my head as soon as I saw him. It was terrible. I immediately started praying that the light would change, so that I could run across the street and not get stuck talking to him.
Today, I took the day off work, which was very nice. Got to sleep semi-late, went and bought babyshower supplies (because I am in charge of a babyshower at work tomorrow), and then I took my kid swimming. And guess what happened at the pool? Well, not techinically at the pool. More in the parking lot outside. I hit a parked car! Yay me! So I felt like a total dumbass. I left the person a note with my phone number, and thankfully the woman called me a little while ago and told me not to worry about it, because it was just a scratch, so that took a weight off of my mind. But still...I am an idiot! Stupid Grannymobile, not being able to be parked like a normal car. Maybe I should get one of those beeping warning things that beeps when you back up, and a big orange flag to wave.
Man, I am just rambling now. Sorry, minions. It's been a long day, what with swimming and hitting a parked car. I am going to sign off now. Especially because I have to go finish crocheting a baby blanket for that shower tomorrow. I am not done with it yet. Whoops! So anyways, remember to check the hit counter and leave your comments! And be glad that I have not decided to kill anyone today!
So anyways, I know I have mentioned my computer access problems before, what with my husband who is surgically attached to the computer. But today, I managed to get on the computer, because I sent him to the store. (With instructions to buy pads. I think that is one of the perks of being a woman, is sending your husband/boyfriend to the store and telling him to buy pads/tampons. It's so much fun embarrassing them like that!)
Today, I have several things that I want to tell you about, but first, I am announcing a Temple of Boredom contest! (Insert loud cheering, falling confetti, and fireworks here.) If you happen to go all the way to the bottom of the page, you will notice that there is a page hit counter there (under the cute picture of the evil kitty). Now, it took me a while to install that counter (I am not the most computer savvy individual, though I do know how to look up porn online) but since it was put on the page, I have had 106 hits (as of 6:09 p.m. today). So, this is our contest. Whichever one of you little minions is hit number 111 (because one and one and one is three) will win the grand prize of...making a guest post to the Temple of Boredom! So, if you are #111, add a comment below this post, and you will get to post about anything you want: how much you love being my minion, how much you wish you could be like me, how you are going to worship me after I take over the world...the possibilities are endless! So make sure you check the hit counter.
Now, on to today's amusing anecdote. It concerns a very scary, very weird, very annoying man that I have the misfortune of working with. It wouldn't be so bad, because he doesn't work in my department, but he works in IT, which means he is always coming downstairs and wandering around for hours, which gives him the perfect opportunity to stare down all the girls' shirts. Because, you've guessed it, he is a giant perv. One night, a friend and I had gone to the bar, and we were just hanging out, having a couple of quiet drinks, when Creepy Man pops out of nowhere and decides to sit at our table. Since we didn't want to appear rude, we let him. Then, he started buying drinks for my friend but not for me. How rude is that! I may be married and there is no way in hell I would sleep with him even if I wasn't, but he could still have bought me a drink! So after a while, we got sick of him, and told him that we were "going to the bathroom." Then we found another table and continued our nice night...until he hunted us down and sat with us again! Ugh. So we left after that. But not before he asked us to drive him home! I would have, if I could have thought of an excuse for strapping him into the carseat in the back seat and driving the car into the river.
So, as you can see, this guy is a creepy freaky pervish man, and I really hate talking to him. Every time he is waiting for the elevator, I get on the phone, just so I have an excuse not to talk to him. Because he scares me.
So anyways, the other day, I was standing across the street from work, waiting for the light to change so I could walk across. A bus passed in front of me, and I could see my reflection in the windows. And suddenly, I felt like I was in a horror movie. You know, in horror movies, how there is usually a part where the idiot hero/heroine looks in a mirror or window, and you see their reflection, but also the reflection of whatever evil person/creature/monster is chasing them? Well, that is exactly what happened. Right behind me, maybe 3 feet away, appeared...Creepy Man! I could hear the screeching violins from the Psycho shower scene playing in my head as soon as I saw him. It was terrible. I immediately started praying that the light would change, so that I could run across the street and not get stuck talking to him.
Today, I took the day off work, which was very nice. Got to sleep semi-late, went and bought babyshower supplies (because I am in charge of a babyshower at work tomorrow), and then I took my kid swimming. And guess what happened at the pool? Well, not techinically at the pool. More in the parking lot outside. I hit a parked car! Yay me! So I felt like a total dumbass. I left the person a note with my phone number, and thankfully the woman called me a little while ago and told me not to worry about it, because it was just a scratch, so that took a weight off of my mind. But still...I am an idiot! Stupid Grannymobile, not being able to be parked like a normal car. Maybe I should get one of those beeping warning things that beeps when you back up, and a big orange flag to wave.
Man, I am just rambling now. Sorry, minions. It's been a long day, what with swimming and hitting a parked car. I am going to sign off now. Especially because I have to go finish crocheting a baby blanket for that shower tomorrow. I am not done with it yet. Whoops! So anyways, remember to check the hit counter and leave your comments! And be glad that I have not decided to kill anyone today!
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