so i ordered a tv off of walmart.com for my daughter for christmas. it's a 13 inch, disney princess tv, in a pink case with a little crown on top. disgusting, i know. but my kid is incredibly spoiled and incredibly girly, and she wanted santa to bring her a tv, so that's what santa is getting her. anyways, so i ordered it off of walmart.com the day after thanksgiving. it was supposed to arrive at my local walmart store within 10 business days, and i would get an email when it got there. 3 weeks went by before i got an email from them...and then, the email that i did get, didn't say that my tv had arrived. it said, basically, we've shipped your tv, but we don't know where it is, or when it will arrive, sorry for any inconvenience! like that's going to fly on christmas morning, when santa didn't bring anything and i have a disappointed 5 year old. so naturally, i called the 1-800 number listed in the email, to see if anyone could help me. and what did i get? machines. that's right, only machines. i went through every single menu option on that number, and all i got was a machine. and it wasn't one of those were you just hit buttons. no, this one wanted to talk to you, and wanted you to talk back! i hate those things! "i'm sorry, i didn't understand that." of course you didn't understand it...you're a fucking recording! argh! so then, i email walmart to complain about 1, not having my tv and 2, not being able to talk to a person at their so-called customer service line. and what happens next? i get a reply...also written by a machine! a stupid form letter, thanking me for my email and directing me to walmart.com if i have any questions!!! argh!!! i was set to tear my hair out when i got that email. but now, after reflecting a bit, i realize what's going on. walmart isn't in it for the stores. it's building a giant robot army, deep in whatever rural area its headquarters is, in a bid to take over the world. i can completely understand that, of course. but i at least will have the decency to use people as my slaves, not soulless machines! i can see it now...giant marauding robots, storming across the cities of america, looking like something out of the transformers movie, except they will have big yellow smiley faces on their heads. and they will smile and smile as they stomp your house to dust and then kidnap you and force you to spend all of your money at walmart before they feed you to their energy generator, to make power for the robots to live off of. it's progress! yay.
but on the plus side, the tv did finally arrive. so now we can go ahead and have christmas. i like christmas (when it's actually december and not october). spoiling my kid is fun. and so it having two days off work. it's great to be a state employee! i love getting presents, of course. since my husband is incapable of buying anything for me, i mostly buy my own presents and then he just wraps them. i bought myself a shirt that has a picture of captain kirk and says "i slept with kirk...but who hasn't?" it's great! can't wait to wear it!
man, i am getting sleepy. it's only 9 pm, but i think it is time for bed already. damn winter, makes me tired and lazy. so i am off for now. i will leave you with a quote that i was thinking about today, one which has made quite a difference in my life, by my favorite philosopher, dave barry. "the books all say that barracuda very rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read..."
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
thanksmooning
so i'm sitting at work right now, pondering how i really hate christmas carols. okay, not carols so much, as just carols when it's not even christmas, not even freaking december yet! and yet people are blasting them right and left. it's just like at the store. i went to walmart two days after halloween, and there was already a giant christmas tree at the entrance. it's like thansgiving is just a suburb of christmastown, and we breeze through it at 75 mph, not even pausing to look around for the turkeys before we run them over and eat them.
speaking of thanksgiving, i had just a great one. first, lunch with my husband, kid, and my aunts, who are quite frankly the only even remotely sane blood relatives that i have. then, after my husband went to work, i went to my parents' house. now there's a treat! take two psychotically republican catholics, mix in two teenage boys, and you get: snippy insults to both clinton and obama, and a mooning display! at least the mooning was amusing.
my family is insane. but at least they aren't as bad as my in-laws. now there's a real nuthouse. my family only argues with me about politics because they know i don't agree with them. my in-laws all vote the same way, and yet they still manage to find things to fight about! and they had hawaiian chicken for thanksgiving dinner. i would rather go visit the psycho-mooners than deal with that crap.
on black friday, i was supposed to go shopping at 4:30 a.m., but my shopping partner sent me a text message that she didn't feel good. frankly, i think she was lying. she probably just stayed up late the night before having sex. since it was thanksgiving sex, it probably included phrases like "let me stuff you!" and "how about some sweet potatoes?" and other such drivel. disgusting. so i went back to bed.
i did end up going shopping later that day. i even finished all of my christmas shopping, even for really annoying-to-shop-for people, like my great-uncle-in-law. honestly, what do you buy an 80+ year old man with no known interests? i got him a robe.
while i was out, i had a wonderful idea. see, it was snowing, and it almost never snows, so when it does, everybody drives more like an idiot than normal, which is really saying something. (i once spoke to a woman who insisted that stop signs are "suggestions." which should tell you something about the quality of drivers here.) so i was sitting at a stop light, watching all the idiots run the red light, and i had my great idea. instead of red light cameras, which they have now, i think we should have red light tire spikes. the light turns red and bam! up pop spikes, so any light runners get their tired punctured and everyone beats them to death for blocking the intersection. this plan is definitely getting implemented when i take over the world.
speaking of thanksgiving, i had just a great one. first, lunch with my husband, kid, and my aunts, who are quite frankly the only even remotely sane blood relatives that i have. then, after my husband went to work, i went to my parents' house. now there's a treat! take two psychotically republican catholics, mix in two teenage boys, and you get: snippy insults to both clinton and obama, and a mooning display! at least the mooning was amusing.
my family is insane. but at least they aren't as bad as my in-laws. now there's a real nuthouse. my family only argues with me about politics because they know i don't agree with them. my in-laws all vote the same way, and yet they still manage to find things to fight about! and they had hawaiian chicken for thanksgiving dinner. i would rather go visit the psycho-mooners than deal with that crap.
on black friday, i was supposed to go shopping at 4:30 a.m., but my shopping partner sent me a text message that she didn't feel good. frankly, i think she was lying. she probably just stayed up late the night before having sex. since it was thanksgiving sex, it probably included phrases like "let me stuff you!" and "how about some sweet potatoes?" and other such drivel. disgusting. so i went back to bed.
i did end up going shopping later that day. i even finished all of my christmas shopping, even for really annoying-to-shop-for people, like my great-uncle-in-law. honestly, what do you buy an 80+ year old man with no known interests? i got him a robe.
while i was out, i had a wonderful idea. see, it was snowing, and it almost never snows, so when it does, everybody drives more like an idiot than normal, which is really saying something. (i once spoke to a woman who insisted that stop signs are "suggestions." which should tell you something about the quality of drivers here.) so i was sitting at a stop light, watching all the idiots run the red light, and i had my great idea. instead of red light cameras, which they have now, i think we should have red light tire spikes. the light turns red and bam! up pop spikes, so any light runners get their tired punctured and everyone beats them to death for blocking the intersection. this plan is definitely getting implemented when i take over the world.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
boredom and a new tattoo
so i really have nothing important to say tonight. i was watching tv, but hannah montana (which is a great tv show, by the way) is over now, and i am bored, so i thought i would check in with my little blog, see if it had anything interesting to say. it didn't, though. stupid blog, not being able to talk.
i had thought of a really clever post yesterday, but i didn't write it down; i got too caught up with beating the slaves that i keep in my backyard for not properly caring for my opium poppies. (this is a joke, of course. i don't grow poppies in my backyard. just marijuana. and crab grass.) and now, of course, i can't remember what it was. so i guess it's time for incoherent ramblings, instead.
i got a new tattoo over the weekend, behind my ear. the tattoo artist advised that, so as not to damage it with shampoo, i not wash my hair until the tattoo heals. that's just disgusting. i am obviously not following that advise, but it seems to be healing just fine anyway. this brings my total number of tattoos to six. and i love showing them off at work, because they shock the people that think i am a quiet, mousy person. i am quiet, but that's just because i hate everyone, so i have nothing to say to them. nothing that won't get me in trouble at work, anyway.
i couldn't sleep last night for the longest time. i made the double mistake of watching a show on discovery channel about ghosts (of which i am deathly afraid) and then reading an article about ted bundy on wikipedia before bedtime. so i was laying in bed, jumping at every little noise, convinced that a ghostly serial killer was going to appear before me at any moment, until after midnight. needless to say, i was not my best at work today. not that it mattered. i could go to work dead, and as long as i stayed in my chair all day (which would be really easy, if i were dead) no one would say anything. some of the people there are so stupid that i am amazed they can walk upright, yet they manage to keep their jobs. ahh, the beauty of being employed by the government!
i ordered some shirts off of www.tshirthell.com (great site, you should check it out. but not with your mom, or anyone else who might be offended, in the room.) last week, and they arrived in the mail today. i got a wonderful shirt that i can't wait to wear, it says "why kill them with kindness when you can use an axe?" that is the kind of philosophy that i can really get behind.
and on that note, i will leave you, my little flying monkeys. i just noticed that mega disasters is coming on the history channel in a few minutes! yay! i just love to watch disasters. (and yes, my life is that boring that i have nothing better to do that watch tv. but on the bright side, at least i am not watching a shot at love with tila tequila, which is also on in a few minutes. or the 700 club. if i were interested in watching either of those, i would definitely have to slit my wrists.)
i had thought of a really clever post yesterday, but i didn't write it down; i got too caught up with beating the slaves that i keep in my backyard for not properly caring for my opium poppies. (this is a joke, of course. i don't grow poppies in my backyard. just marijuana. and crab grass.) and now, of course, i can't remember what it was. so i guess it's time for incoherent ramblings, instead.
i got a new tattoo over the weekend, behind my ear. the tattoo artist advised that, so as not to damage it with shampoo, i not wash my hair until the tattoo heals. that's just disgusting. i am obviously not following that advise, but it seems to be healing just fine anyway. this brings my total number of tattoos to six. and i love showing them off at work, because they shock the people that think i am a quiet, mousy person. i am quiet, but that's just because i hate everyone, so i have nothing to say to them. nothing that won't get me in trouble at work, anyway.
i couldn't sleep last night for the longest time. i made the double mistake of watching a show on discovery channel about ghosts (of which i am deathly afraid) and then reading an article about ted bundy on wikipedia before bedtime. so i was laying in bed, jumping at every little noise, convinced that a ghostly serial killer was going to appear before me at any moment, until after midnight. needless to say, i was not my best at work today. not that it mattered. i could go to work dead, and as long as i stayed in my chair all day (which would be really easy, if i were dead) no one would say anything. some of the people there are so stupid that i am amazed they can walk upright, yet they manage to keep their jobs. ahh, the beauty of being employed by the government!
i ordered some shirts off of www.tshirthell.com (great site, you should check it out. but not with your mom, or anyone else who might be offended, in the room.) last week, and they arrived in the mail today. i got a wonderful shirt that i can't wait to wear, it says "why kill them with kindness when you can use an axe?" that is the kind of philosophy that i can really get behind.
and on that note, i will leave you, my little flying monkeys. i just noticed that mega disasters is coming on the history channel in a few minutes! yay! i just love to watch disasters. (and yes, my life is that boring that i have nothing better to do that watch tv. but on the bright side, at least i am not watching a shot at love with tila tequila, which is also on in a few minutes. or the 700 club. if i were interested in watching either of those, i would definitely have to slit my wrists.)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
world domination will be so much fun!
hello to all my non-existent fans! today i just wanted to introduce myself--i am panda loca, the future empress of the world (in case you don't speak spanish, "panda loca" means "panda crazy." i know this because, even thought i am a white girl, i live in new mexico, so i am very multi-cultural, i.e. i know my numbers and colors and a few other somewhat useful words in spanish. but not any curse words. cursing is more fun in english, anyway).
i wanted to share some of my world domination plan. yes, like many others before me--alexander the great, genghis khan, adolf hitler, dr. drakken--i have a dream of ruling the world, becoming lord (or would that be "lady?" language is so strange that way. i could be "master" of all i see, i guess, but if i said "mistress" that just sounds kinky) of all i see. except for the whole genocide thing, of course. i love everyone!
okay, that's a lie. i don't love everyone. i love everyone except stupid people. when i take over the world, stupidity will definitetly be punishable by death, the more painful the better. i am installing a shark tank in my capitol building, to throw the really really stupid people into. like this woman. the other day i was driving to lunch. now, like most people, i only have an hour for lunch, so i was in something of a hurry so i wouldn't be late. ahead of my car, maybe 50 feet away, a woman decided that, with a car barreling down at her at 40 mph, it would be a good time to stroll across the street. so what did i do? did i slow down and let her finish crossing in peace? of course not! i revved my engine, and even though my car is a grannymobile (huge, unparkable, leather everywhere; it even has the words "florida edition" on the side--how granny is that?) it has a nice loud v8 engine. when that woman heard the engine rev, she picked up her (ugly) skirt and bolted to the other side of the street. it was great!
so yes, this blog will mostlly be rants about stupid people doing stupid things that i wish were illegal so that they could be thrown in jail and i wouldn't have to watch/listen to them anymore. from time to time, i may also talk about things that i actually like, or that make me happy, but i wouldn't hold my breath, if i were you.
i wanted to share some of my world domination plan. yes, like many others before me--alexander the great, genghis khan, adolf hitler, dr. drakken--i have a dream of ruling the world, becoming lord (or would that be "lady?" language is so strange that way. i could be "master" of all i see, i guess, but if i said "mistress" that just sounds kinky) of all i see. except for the whole genocide thing, of course. i love everyone!
okay, that's a lie. i don't love everyone. i love everyone except stupid people. when i take over the world, stupidity will definitetly be punishable by death, the more painful the better. i am installing a shark tank in my capitol building, to throw the really really stupid people into. like this woman. the other day i was driving to lunch. now, like most people, i only have an hour for lunch, so i was in something of a hurry so i wouldn't be late. ahead of my car, maybe 50 feet away, a woman decided that, with a car barreling down at her at 40 mph, it would be a good time to stroll across the street. so what did i do? did i slow down and let her finish crossing in peace? of course not! i revved my engine, and even though my car is a grannymobile (huge, unparkable, leather everywhere; it even has the words "florida edition" on the side--how granny is that?) it has a nice loud v8 engine. when that woman heard the engine rev, she picked up her (ugly) skirt and bolted to the other side of the street. it was great!
so yes, this blog will mostlly be rants about stupid people doing stupid things that i wish were illegal so that they could be thrown in jail and i wouldn't have to watch/listen to them anymore. from time to time, i may also talk about things that i actually like, or that make me happy, but i wouldn't hold my breath, if i were you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
