Driver's Ed Apparently Didn't Work

Pop quiz! Imagine the following scenario: You are in your car, on a small side road that meets a large main street on the diagonal. Right next to you, on both sides of the road, is a big red and white sign that says "YIELD." On the large street, in the lane that you will drive into when you hit the gas pedal, there is a car going around 50 mph. What do you do next? A) Stay where you are until the car has passed, like the yield sign says, and take the opportunity to pull out your cell phone and start texting? B) Pull into the street, but go wide so that you are not in the same lane as the moving car? Or C) Pull out, into the lane in front of the moving car, and then immediately hit your brake so that you can make a right hand turn, almost causing the car behind you (the one going 50 mph) to ram into you?

If you picked A or B, congratulations, you may be a decent driver. If you picked C, I'm sorry, but you are going to die as soon as I get my hands on an automatic rifle. I absolutely hate people who cannot drive. Every day, when I am on the road, I see some great display of stupidity that makes me fantasize about having a rocket launcher mounted on top of my car, so that I can blow these people up and spare the world from having to deal with them. And at my job, I see people's traffic tickets all the time; tickets for having 6 kids in the back of a sedan, all with no seat belt; for driving the wrong way on the freeway; for being so drunk that they crash into a parked car...twice! I actually see this stuff. And these people are actually allowed to walk around free, to use our precious natural resources, to reproduce? I am so killing them all when I take over the world.

In the meantime, here are some more indications that you deserve to die. Do you:

• Change lanes without using your turn signal?
• Speed in a dangerous manner, tailgating the people you can't pass until they are just so desperate to get away from you that they change lanes or swerve onto the shoulder?
• Run red lights/stop signs/yield signs?
• Listen to really loud, bad music, the kind that makes other people's hearts feel like they are going to explode in their chests?
• Talk/text on your cell phone and not pay attention to driving?
• Drive reeeeeeeeeally slow in the fast lane, making the other drivers insane with frustration, especially if they are unable to pass you?
• Drive a semi truck?
• Have one of those bumper stickers that says something like "Jesus loves me" and then drive like a total dick? If Jesus had ever driven, I'm sure he would have been a perfect driver, so if you want to live as a christian, you really should do better.
• Weave your motorcycle between the cars on the road, as if you were invisibile, or invulnerable? That's one reason everybody hates motorcyclists, because they mostly drive like dicks. When I see one doing that, I am always tempted to open my car door, or just swerve a little and hit him.
• Pass people on the shoulder of the freeway if there is no other way to get around them and they are not driving fast enough for you?

I'm sure more examples of bad drivers that should die will occur to me later, when I am driving home, getting cut off by scooters going 80 mph and being tailgated by giant semis that could just roll right over me if I hit the brakes. I just love driving!