The Agony of Stupidity

So perhaps some of you little minions have decided to watch the Olympics. Perhaps you are fools. Because, honestly, the Olympics rank right up there, for entertainment value, with do-it-yourself liposuction. (Actually, though I do not think it would be fun to perform do-it-yourself liposuction, it could be very amusing to watch. That could be the newest reality show! I Suck...My Own Fat! And sometimes they would make mistakes like accidentally sucking out their kidneys and die. Imagine the ratings!)

But anyways, as you have no doubt guessed, I have a very low opinion of the Olympics. It's not just the Olympics, though, it's all sports. I think sports are very stupid. I have no problem with people playing them for fun, or for exercise, or (primarily in bowling leagues) as an excuse to get drunk in the guise of doing something productive. But high school and college sports? Utterly ridiculous. People are there to learn, not to run around playing games.

And professional sports are even dumber. Why do athletes get paid multi-millons of dollars to run around with little balls (and yes, that double entendre was intended) while important people, like teachers, are lucky to scrape by? It's all very wrong and backwards and an indication of how stupid our priorities are. Why do we care so much about these stupid little games? Why are the people who play them worshipped, called heroes? Ooh, you can throw a ball really fast! That makes you a very good, heroic person who deserves the adulation of millions! Idiotic.

So when people start making big deals out of sports, I think it is very stupid. And the Olympics are just the epitome of stupidity. I mean, really. Let's say there was some sort of international reading competition. Would millions of people fly halfway around the world to watch it, and billions more watch it on TV? Of course not. Everyone would think it was very lame. But if it involves running or swimming or throwing, well then, that makes it okay!

And don't get me started on the so-called "sports" that they show there. Competitive badminton? Curling? Shooting? Someone please explain to me how shooting is a sport. You point the gun and pull the trigger. It's just like playing Duckhunt on your original Nintendo. So if shooting is a sport, then Duckhunt should be too. Arguably, Duckhunt would be more of an actual sport, because I bet when you shoot in the Olympics, you don't have some evil little dog snickering at you when you miss. And then you can't even shoot that little bastard dog. I always wanted to shoot him.

But anyways, this is why I have always thought of sports as stupid. Yes, people should exercise and have fun, and that's great. But when people's entire lives revolve around playing--or worse, watching someone play--a game...someone needs some serious professional help. Fantasy football, children named after sports teams, riots over soccer matches...can you people not see the insanity?

This is why, when I take over the world, all sports will be banned on the professional level. Sure, you can be an athlete, but you will also have to have a real, productive job that makes you an actual productive member of society, as opposed to a leech, which is what professional athletes are. The only authorized sport will be Ninja Warrior. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out on G4 network...waaaaaay better than the Olympics.)

So those are my thoughts on the Olympics. Please feel free to watch them if you must. But just remember, if you do, you're stupid.

Oh, and a little postscript about our last guest post. A person who shall remain nameless has requested that I make it very clear that it was not him picking his nose and eating the boogers, and he doesn't want you to think so just because he has an iPod like the booger eater. Just because one booger eater has an iPod doesn't mean all iPod users are booger eaters! Just FYI!