That Time of the Month, Part 2

Warning: Contains graphic subject matter. If you are a weenie, do not read any further.

If you are a man (or close to one, anyway), here's what I want you to do. Get something kind of big and heavy, like a dumbbell or a bowling ball, and strike yourself repeated in the belly with it. Not in your stomach, exactly. Lower down, near your pelvic bone. Do this repeatedly for several days. Occasionally, stab yourself on either side of the belly with something really sharp, like a bamboo skewer or an ice pick. And though you may be bleeding quite a bit, try really hard not to get any blood on your clothes.

Congratulations. Now you understand a small part of what it is to be a woman.

A few weeks ago, I promised you that we would have a discussion of periods sometime soon. Well, today is your lucky day, because I am finally in the mood to talk about this. (If you have guessed that "in the mood" means I am having my period, then yes, you are very clever. And you also better not fuck with me for the next several days.) So, where shall we start?

First off, the physical discomfort. Not all women hurt as much as I described above, of course. Some hurt much more. A few lucky ones escape the pain all together, but the rest of us think they are bitches. Basically, it's like a giant hand has pushed itself through the wall of your abdomen, grabbed your innards, and is twisting them as hard as it can. Fun, right? And then your back aches. And your breasts hurt and swell for several days, and when you take your bra off, they feel like someone has tied weights to them, dragging them painfully downwards. After that, they shrink and stop hurting, but they just sort of hang there like half filled-water balloons, very sad and depressed looking. And you feel as bloated as a 4 day old corpse and none of your pants fit right.

And then of course there is the dreaded PMS. Though why it is called "Pre-Menstrual Syndrome" I have never really understood, because it is not just a "pre" thing. It's should just be called "Menstrual Syndrome" or "Don't Fuck With Me Syndrome." DFWMS. Has a much better ring to it, I think. I'm sure you men think you know all about PMS. "Oh, yes," you are probably thinking to yourself right now, "that's when my girlfriend/wife gets mad at me for no reason and yells about how we have run out of strawberry ice cream." How wrong you are. Sure, we might yell or cry or be sulky. But only for good reason. And running out of strawberry ice cream is a damn good reason. And it's not our fault. Our bodies are swirling masses of hormones that make us act that way. We can't help it! Basically, if you don't want to spend several days being miserable, here is some advice for you: The woman is always right. Especially when she is in pain due to an evolutionary system designed to bear YOUR children! So go get the damn ice cream, bring her a glass of cold water, do the dishes, whatever she wants you to do. Otherwise you might find out what it's like to sing soprano, if you know what I mean.

And here's a tip for you. We don't like those jokes you guys like to make about "something that bleeds for a week." Not funny. Not even remotely. If you would like to see something bleeding for a week, we would be glad to take a very dull knife to some of your very sensitive skin.

Of course, when we are having our periods, we want to eat junk food. It makes us feel better, emotionally. The salt and sugar and soda, though, only make us feel more bloated, thereby adding to our discomfort. And did you know that many women have upset stomachs during their periods? Even more fun! Because it's not messy enough without that.

Speaking of messes, imagine trying to get dressed. What if there's a leak? You can't wear anything light colored, just in case. And you can't wear anything tight around your stomach. Or around your crotch. Or, for that matter, your boobs. Basically, you feel like wearing nothing but ratty old sweat pants and oversized T-shirts for a week. But of course, that is not socially acceptable.

Also, guys, another tip: We probably don't want to have sex with you when we are having our period. Yes, yes, I know, you've read those studies that say that orgasms help relieve pain, blah blah blah. So what? To want to have sex, we usually have to feel sexy, and I can think of few things quiet as not-sexy as feeling like your uterus hates you and is deliberately ruining your life. So sure, offer us a back rub, a foot rub, a heating pad, lots of drugs, whatever. But please don't try to put the moves on us. Unless we indicate that we would like the moves to be put on us, in which case you damn well better comply (see singing soprano threat, above).

Basically, periods are pretty miserable. If you don't want us to make you miserable, too, make sure you bring us our ice cream, lay in a store of good movies for us, and if we send you to the store to buy tampons, don't fucking complain about it, just do it. Because you do not want to piss the hormones off.