You Are The Reason Everyone Hates Going To Work

Ah, work. We spend most of our waking hours there, slaving away for the security of a paycheck. And many of us, undoubtedly, hate our jobs. I am mostly speaking to those who are employed by some sort of outside company. If you are self employed, this is probably not much of an issue, because you are your own boss and presumably like what you do, or are so strung out on crack that you don't really care. And come on, how hard is it to give blowjobs at $20 a pop? Putting the new cover sheet on TPS reports is much harder.

So, most of us spend most of our time at our jobs, surrounded by our co-workers for nine hours a day, for (according to my highly scientific calculations) 261 days a year, not counting leave and holidays. We get to know each other, to know each other's quirks and likes and dislikes and who likes to eat disgusting things like ramen noodles mixed with tuna fish. It's almost like we are a family. And, like any family, there can be a great deal of dysfunction in any work environment. So today, we are going to discuss ways to make your relationship with your co-workers run more smoothly. In other words, how not to be the Office Dick, the person everyone hates.

Let's start with something very simple: your physical appearance. No, I'm not talking about whether or not you wear makeup and I don't care if you are wearing ratty jeans and a shirt with a picture of a naked woman on it. Does not bug me at all. What does bug me, though, is when you wear clothes that are too small for you. Like, you have a big fat stomach than hangs 6 inches below the waist of your pants, yet you decide, for some unknown reason, to wear a shirt that only goes 3 inches below your pants. So the rest of us, for the whole day, are subjected to your stomach flab, dangling from under your shirt. We are all afraid that you have the albino Blob in your pants and it's trying to escape and eat us. Also, no matter how young and thin and cute you are (or think you are), there is no excuse for coming to work looking like you are going to a club. Mini skirts, skin tight pants, hooker heels, and super tight, cleavage revealing shirts are not only against the dress code, they make you look like you are trying to pick up your co-workers. And really, who wants that?

Closely related to the issue of appearance is the issue of smell. Yes, the way you smell. Please, for the love of all that is holy, take a shower every day. Use deodorant. Brush your freaking teeth. And don't douse yourself in perfume or cologne. Yes, a little can be nice, but a lot makes it seem like you are walking around with a noxious cloud of stench following you. Also on the scent front, let's discuss other smelly things that everybody except you hates. For example, you may think that your coconut-scented room spray is to die for and decide that it would be wonderful to spray it all over your cubicle, but everyone else that has to smell it is fantasizing about squirting you in the eyes with that spray and then shoving the bottle up your ass. Or when you make your oh-so-delicious broccoli and cheese meal in the communal microwave, I know you think it's the best thing ever, but everyone else thinks it smells like vomit.

You don't even want to know what we think of you when you burn your popcorn.

Don't talk on your cell phone while you are using the bathroom. It's just disturbing. Also, if you happen to "drip" please please please PLEASE clean it up before you leave the stall. That especially goes for you women on your freaking periods! And don't talk to other people over the stalls, especially if you are not good friends with them. Some of us would like to pee in peace, without your play-by-play recap of what you had for lunch or of the cute guy you met this weekend.

WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WHEN YOU ARE DONE.

Unless you are my boss, please do not try to tell me what to do or how to do it. I know my job and if I need help, I will ask for it. You do not need to volunteer your services. I don't care if you have worked here almost as long as I have been alive, I don't need you sending me "helpful" emails or writing me notes pointing out how I could do things different. Please, keep your vast stores of knowledge to yourself.

Don't touch other people's personal property without permission. You need a pen or a stapler? Go right ahead. But keeps your damn hands off my pictures and knickknacks. In fact, unless we are friends, there is no reason for you to be hanging over my desk, talking to me, period. I will happily discuss work-related issues with you. But I do not care what you did this weekend, what you are eating for lunch or what new book you read. I am not going to answer your questions about my personal life. And I definitely do not want to look at pictures of your cats or your vacation or your new house or your kids. In fact, some people should really just learn to shut up all together. When you are talking to people, if they refuse to make eye contact with you, pretend that they can't hear you, or just plain ignore you...those are all warning signs that you are boring and no one likes you. So rather than preying on poor defenseless people who are too polite to tell you to go away, why not take it upon yourself and just shut the fuck up?

Please, please, have something interesting to talk about besides your children. Yes, if you are a new parent or if you have small children, fine, we understand that your children are fascinating. But if your youngest child is 17 and they are still the only thing you ever talk about...well, you seriously need a life.

Don't carry on loud personal phone calls all damn day. If you don't want to work, fine. No one cares. Mess around on the internet, play Solitaire, paint your toe nails, whatever. But when your not-working interferes with my working, then it becomes an issue. It's hard to concentrate when there is someone just a few feet away blabbering on the phone all the time. And especially don't get into arguments on the phone. I'm sorry if your spouse/kids/family/attorney/kid's school/place that you bought your new dishwasher/etc is pissing you off, but if you must yell at them, please take your phone call into the breakroom. Don't yell on the phone. And keep your voice down. We don't all need to know the details of your personal life.

Don't talk in stupid, affected voices that aren't natural to you. No one likes a grownup who talks "baby talk" when there is no actual baby in the immediate vicinity.

Please, do not sing at your desk. Especially if you can't actually sing. And you're wearing headphones, and can't hear how horrible you sound. And people who are guilty of whistling in an office should be taken outside and shot without trial. Do wear your headphones when you are listening to music or a video. No one else wants to listen to the collected hits of Vanilla Ice. And keep your cell phone on vibrate, especially if you are leaving your desk.

Don't be a mooch. If I say you can have one of my tissues once, that does not mean that I am your tissue source for the rest of your natural life. Get your lazy, cheapskate ass to the store and buy some yourself. And don't constantly ask everyone, "Where are you going to lunch today?" and then expect them to bring you food. If you're not smart or capable enough to bring your own lunch, then it is your responsibility to find your own food, unless the other person offers.

I don't care what religion you are, but I don't want to hear about it at work. And I especially do not want you trying to convert me. Do not offer to bring me a pamphlet on the bible, or invite me to church with you, and I will refrain from sharing my views on religion with you. Which should make you happy, because I'm sure you wouldn't like them.

If you need something work related from me, even if we are not friends, please just come and ask. It makes things harder for everyone when you refuse to do your job correctly. But, even if we don't like each other, there is no reason not to be polite. Throwing a paper onto my desk and demanding that I give you the file is not going to win you any points.

Basically, it boils down to manners. Not the "keep a napkin in your lap and don't slurp your soup" kind, but the "make other people feel comfortable and don't be an asshole" kind. Don't be a jerk to me and I won't be one to you and we can all get along fine and do our jobs and go home without wanting to kill each other with machetes. And that, really, is what going to work is all about.