Quiet Time (So Please Shut The Hell Up!)

Ahh. Here I am, 9:00 on a Thursday night with nothing to do. I already watched the TV I wanted for tonight (My Boys, on TBS...great show). I could be watching Burn Notice (USA) but it's an episode that I've already seen. (Man, I do watch an awful lot of TV, don't I? Oh well. My brain is already rotted from listening to the conversations that the idiots at work have all day, so it can't do any more damage. And there are some great shows on cable!) Anyways, I wouldn't be able to hear it over the sound of my screaming child.

I'm sure that any peeping toms in the bushes outside right now think that someone is being killed in my house, when in fact it is just my child, crying over the fact that I made her go to bed without a second bedtime snack. This is the same child who was once eating boogers in Walmart. When I told her to stop it, she looked at me, all innocent with giant eyes, and said "But Mommy, I'm soooo hungry!" I'm surprised that none of the other customers called Child Protective Services on me, to report that my poor child had nothing to eat but boogers. (Or maybe not, considering the quality of Walmart's customers.) So maybe she needs to eat more. But that is not my fault...I told her to eat dinner! But she was more interested in being Snow White and dancing around in plastic high heels (the same ones that made her sprain her ankle--twice!--last year) and trying to make me kiss her Kermit the Frog doll. Kids are freaking weird.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I really haven't had anything much to complain about lately. Of course, I have seen bad drivers, but it hasn't been as egregious as usual. Also, I think the people at work have finally gotten the hint that I hate them all. Only the die-hard annoying ones have tried to bug me lately, and I brought a set of earplugs to work the other day, so I really can't hear them now. It's a great feeling. Also, it's been kinda hard to post, on a purely physical level. I'm at Monkey Headquarters all day, where I am not allowed to blog, on pain of being spoken to sternly by my oh-so-scary boss, and at home, I almost never have access to a computer, because Mr. Loca is a bona fide computer game addict. I am quite convinced that if something bad happened right outside our door--say, like, World War 3, or a nuclear war--he would never even notice it, unless it disconnected our internet. He would notice that damn quick!

So I am pretty much computerless at home, unless I bribe him with sex or something. (Not that I live up to the bribe, but it usually works anyways. Guys are so dumb!) But tonight, I have computer access because Mr. Loca has Gone Out With The Guys, leaving me with the screaming brat and an otherwise-peaceful house. Ahh.

So when I was checking my email earlier, I had my usual word-of-the-day email. Today's word was a great one: Defenestrate. Guess what it means! No idea? Okay, fine, I will tell you. It means to throw someone or something out of a window! How great is that? English specifically has a word for throwing people out of windows! I am definitely going to have to try to work that word into my every day speech.

Of course, that might prove to be kind of hard because, honestly, how often do you actually get to say anything about someone being thrown out of a window? It's kind of hard to work into a conversation: "So, Mr. Jones was really bugging me today, and I just wanted to defenestrate him!" See...awkward. But I am going to work on it.

I might start with a few people at work. (Sorry, I just thought of someone who bugged me recently!) The other day, the monkey worker committee was selling juice, yogurt, and some other things that had been in their refrigerator for a while, for reduced prices. One of the idiots got a cup of yogurt for 50 cents and ate it, very happily. But when I happened to mention that the yogurt was expired by a few days, she suddenly went crazy. She was sick, she was nauseous, the yogurt had mold, it was bad, she was going to throw up, she wanted her 50 cents back so she could go buy potato chips to settle her stomach (because that makes perfect sense...potatoes fried in grease always make my upset stomach feel better!) blah blah blah. And she sits right next to me, so I had to listen to the whole story multiple times, along with all of her updates on how sick she felt. (This is the same woman who once rented I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry for her young sons to watch, and then complained that it was about...gay people! Not even real gay people, pretend gay people, but still, she didn't want her sons seeing that! Oh My God!) Finally, they gave her her damn 50 cents back, just to shut her up.

So I was thinking that I may take snacks in to work one day that are spoiled and let her eat one. Or better yet, make a cake, and after she's eaten a big old piece (which of course she will) tell her that I used expired milk and expired eggs to bake it. She would probably go into anaphylactic shock on the spot. It would be great! (And the expired yogurts? There was nothing wrong with them. I bought several and took them home to my kid and she ate them with no problem. Of course, she also eats boogers, so that maybe doesn't say anything...)

I will go now (it's after 10:00, past my bed time) but I want to leave you with this reminder: make sure you defenestrate someone today! Preferably an idiot. They deserve it.